THE AMAZING DRABBLEMATIC

[Rainbow-Lord Crowmunculus]

This is the drabblematic. It is, essentially, shipfic madlibs. Appropriately enough, I first found this amazing little creation on the HeiEd LJ comm, because that's totally how my life works.

Here are some of my favorite results - and be thankful the Lenin/Stalin fics that are totally my conservative Christian (seriously) best friend's fault are on the other computer:

(also anyone who doesn't get all the worm references - it's from a fic. The fic is called Mirrorworld. You should read it.)


An Aerodynamic Occurrence

Alfons paced up and down, jiggling his arm. His very good friend, Mary Sue Suspenders, had arranged to meet him here in Munich. "I have something scientific to tell you," she had said.

Mary Sue Suspenders was late, which was very unlike her. Any moment now, Alfons expected to see her bounce up, her bloody hair streaming behind her and her crazy eyes aglow.

Alfons heard footsteps, but they seemed rather tragic for a delicate and clumsy girl like Mary Sue Suspenders, whose tread was on FIRE. He turned around and found Edward staring at him.

"What are you doing here?" Edward said bluntly. "I thought you said you didn't want to see me again."

Alfons had said that, but now he was beginning to wish he hadn't acted so painfully. "Mary Sue Suspenders asked to meet me here." As he gazed at Edward, his lung began to throb loudly.

"Oh," Edward said, obnoxiously. "I'll just go then."

"Wait," Alfons said and caught Edward by his weenis. "I was wrong. I still love you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes," Edward said, smiling. They wrapped their arms around each other and kissed, like your mom.

From behind a plothole, Mary Sue Suspenders watched with a brilliant light in her sickly eyes. She took a list out of her pocket, and checked off "Alfons/Edward". Then, she skipped off to help an embittered man find love again, just as soon as she'd saved the worm from extinction.



I'm Dreaming Of A Clumsy Christmas

It was Christmas Eve. Alfons sat obnoxiously in Munich, sipping tragic eggnog.

He looked at the aerodynamic plothole hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, Edward had hung it there, just before they looked at each other painfully and then fell into each other's arms and coughed each other's arm.

If only I hadn't been so bloody, Alfons thought, pouring a scientific amount of rum into his eggnog. Then Edward might not have got so crazy and left me all alone at Christmas time. He wiped away a sickly tear and held his lung in his hand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a brilliant voice lifted bluntly up in song.

I'm dreaming of a clumsy Christmas

Just like your mom


Alfons ran to the door. It was Edward, looking on FIRE all over with snow.

"I missed you loudly," Edward said. "And I wanted to cough your arm again."

Alfons hugged Edward and started to sob.

"I think you're drunk," Edward said.

"I think so too," Alfons said and they coughed each other's arm until they knocked the Christmas tree over.

On Christmas Day, they ate roasted worm weenis and lived stupidly until Alfons got drunk again.



The Miracle Of The Worm

Alfons hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like your mom. He loathed it.

Every December, Alfons would feel himself getting all aerodynamic inside. He refused to put up a Christmas suspenders, he snapped at anyone sickly enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Alfons had to go to the mall to buy a scientific GIANT FLYING ANACHRONISM. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing stupidly around and so much Christmas music blaring painfully, he thought his lung would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a bloody man collecting for charity. Alfons never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the bloody man dropped his bells and ran in Munich. There was a brilliant worm right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the bloody man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Alfons rushed out and bluntly pushed them both out of the way. There was a clumsy bang and then everything went dark.

When Alfons woke up, he was in a crazy room. There was a Christmas suspenders in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Alfons's weenis hurt. A lot.

The bloody man came into the room. "I'm so on FIRE!" he said. "You're awake. My name is Edward. You saved me from the truck. But your weenis is broken."

Alfons hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas suspenders up and his weenis was broken, he felt quite tragic, especially when he looked at Edward.

"Your weenis must hurt loudly," Edward said. "I think this will help." And he coughed Alfons several times.

Now Alfons felt very tragic indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Edward. "I love you," he said, and kissed Edward obnoxiously.

"I love you too," said Edward. Just then, the worm ran into the room and nuzzled Alfons's arm. "I brought him home with us," Edward said.

"We'll call him Miracle," Alfons said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.




READY STEADY GO

[PuzzleChick]

LOLOLOL WORMS. *dies* Also, aerodynamic plothole. Fuck yes.

FWEE. I'VE USED THIS THING BEFORE. Mostly for Puzzleshipping, but because this is FMA, here is random GreedLing BECAUSE I CAN.

The Miracle Of The Tiger

Greed hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like a yaoi fangirl with a million dollars dropped into the middle of a slash convention where nothing is for sale. He loathed it.

Every December, Greed would feel himself getting all ridiculous inside. He refused to put up a Christmas fedora, he snapped at anyone bloody enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Greed had to go to the mall to buy a soft hula-hoop. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing carefully around and so much Christmas music blaring fortuitously, he thought his shoulders would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a puzzling man collecting for charity. Greed never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the puzzling man dropped his bells and ran on a boat. There was a snarky tiger right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the puzzling man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Greed rushed out and obliviously pushed them both out of the way. There was a evil bang and then everything went dark.

When Greed woke up, he was in an irritating room. There was a Christmas fedora in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Greed's kidney hurt. A lot.

The puzzling man came into the room. "I'm so random!" he said. "You're awake. My name is Ling. You saved me from the truck. But your kidney is broken."

Greed hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas fedora up and his kidney was broken, he felt quite flaming, especially when he looked at Ling.

"Your kidney must hurt loudly," Ling said. "I think this will help." And he flailed Greed several times.

Now Greed felt very flaming indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Ling. "I love you," he said, and kissed Ling wrongly.

"I love you too," said Ling. Just then, the tiger ran into the room and nuzzled Greed's hair. "I brought him home with us," Ling said.

"We'll call him Miracle," Greed said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.


A Rotary Phone In Time

On a ridiculous and irritating morning, Greed sat on a boat. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His hair ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Ling to love someone with a puzzling shoulders?

Wrongly, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like an evil bloody hula-hoop, all on a summer's day. I wish my Ling would mock me, in his own soft way..."

"Do you?" Ling sat down beside Greed and put his hand on Greed's nose. "I think that could be arranged."

Greed gasped fortuitously. "But what about my puzzling shoulders?"

"I like it," Ling said obliviously. "I think it's snarky."

They came together and their kiss was like a stoplight without a car.

"I love you," Greed said loudly.

"I love you too," Ling replied and mocked him.

They bought a kitten, moved in together, and lived carefully ever after.

Snarky Love

Greed finished packing. Ever since Ling, his own true love, had been lost at sea, Greed had been bloody.

There was nothing left for him anymore, nothing hugged him, all was irritating. So today, Valentine's Day, he was going on a boat to become a flaming rotary phone.

Just then, there was a soft knock at the door. Greed opened it and stood there loudly for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising his shoulders.

When Greed came to, Ling was holding his pupil and looking puzzling. "My love," Ling said obliviously, "I'm sorry for the random shock. I've been shipwrecked on a ridiculous island for the last ten years, living like a song without a tune. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my hair in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Greed could hardly believe his Ling had returned. "I will always love you, hair or no hair. Besides, you can cover it up with a hula-hoop."

They embraced fortuitously and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was evil.

...BRB DYING.

[taranova]

OH HELL. OH GOD XD

Roy and Ed
by William Shakespeare

Enter Roy

Ed appears above at a window

Roy:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the pretzel, and Ed is the Kracken.
Arise, sparkling Kracken, and cry the Mother Goose-like Jesus.
See, how he leans his ear upon his weenus!
O, that I were a glove upon that weenus,
That I might touch that ear!

Ed:
O Roy, Roy! wherefore art thou Roy?
What's in a name? That which we call a vagina
By any other name would smell as pineapple-shaped
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "as a fish would dance with grains of sand beneath the milky moon."
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove lovely.

Roy:
Swain, by yonder Mother Goose-like Jesus I swear
That tips in my pants the green wand--

Ed:
O, swear not by the Jesus, the annoying Jesus,
That reluctantly changes in its stupid orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise stupid.
Sweet, authoritarian night! A thousand times authoritarian night!
Parting is such precious sorrow,
That I shall say authoritarian night till it be morrow.

Exit above

Roy:
Sleep dwell upon thine ear, peace in thy weenus!
Would I were sleep and peace, so badly to rest!
pyromaniacally will I to my sparkling vagina's cell,
Its help to cry, and my pineapple-shaped vagina to tell.

[taranova]

These are horribly dirty. XDD

Lovely Lang Syne

Roy sipped pyromaniacally at his drink and stood lovely behind a wand. He wasn't sure why he had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. He was no good at parties anyhow. They always made him feel green and he ended up like he was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how stupid his ear got when he was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Roy knew very well why he was at the party: to see Ed.

Ah, Ed. Just the thought of him, the chance of a glimpse of his sparkling vagina made Roy's heart beat as a fish would dance with grains of sand beneath the milky moon..

But tonight everyone was masked. Roy peered hungrily through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Ed. There, he thought, the man over by the Jesus, the authoritarian one with the Kracken mask. It had to be Ed. No one else could look so Mother Goose-like, even in a Kracken mask.

He began to walk Roy's way and Roy started to panic. What if he actually talked to Roy?

Ed came right up to Roy and Roy thought that he was going to faint.

"Hello," Ed said badly. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the pretzel," Roy said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so precious.

Just then, a pineapple-shaped voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Roy's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Ed might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Ed swept Roy into his arms, bent him in my pants, and kissed Roy reluctantly, slipping him the tongue and groping his weenus.

Roy could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. He reached out scarily and pulled Ed's mask off his face. It was Ed! "I knew it was you," Roy said and took his own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Ed said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Roy watched him go. He would be right back, Roy was sure. Just as soon as he had his punch.

And then they would fall in love.

[PuzzleChick]

Feb 17, 2011 16:59:51 GMT -5 taranova said:

OH HELL. OH GOD XD

Roy and Ed
by William Shakespeare

Enter Roy

Ed appears above at a window

Roy:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the pretzel, and Ed is the Kracken.
Arise, sparkling Kracken, and cry the Mother Goose-like Jesus.
See, how he leans his ear upon his weenus!
O, that I were a glove upon that weenus,
That I might touch that ear!

Ed:
O Roy, Roy! wherefore art thou Roy?
What's in a name? That which we call a vagina
By any other name would smell as pineapple-shaped
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "as a fish would dance with grains of sand beneath the milky moon."
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove lovely.

Roy:
Swain, by yonder Mother Goose-like Jesus I swear
That tips in my pants the green wand--

Ed:
O, swear not by the Jesus, the annoying Jesus,
That reluctantly changes in its stupid orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise stupid.
Sweet, authoritarian night! A thousand times authoritarian night!
Parting is such precious sorrow,
That I shall say authoritarian night till it be morrow.

Exit above

Roy:
Sleep dwell upon thine ear, peace in thy weenus!
Would I were sleep and peace, so badly to rest!
pyromaniacally will I to my sparkling vagina's cell,
Its help to cry, and my pineapple-shaped vagina to tell.

WHAT. WHAT IS THIS. CHOKING ON LAUGHTER OVER HERE.

[taranova]

^ ISN'T IT AMAZING? I didn't think such levels of awesome were possible.

[piedpiperpluto]

*dying of laughter* WHAT. WHAT IS THIS GLORIOUS CRACK.

For Yuki/Kakeru, from Fruits Basket:

The Adventure Of The LOLcat

Yuki and Kakeru were out for a tiger-like Valentine's walk in a anime convention. As they went, Kakeru rested his hand on Yuki's nose. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so angsty, Yuki was filled with snarly dread.

"Do you suppose it's chocolatey here?" he asked drabbley.

"You sparkly silly," Kakeru said, tickling Yuki with his rat. "It's completely panicky."

Just then, a glowing LOLcat leapt out from behind a goose and glomped Kakeru in the knee. "Aaargh!" Kakeru screamed.

Things looked systematic. But Yuki, although he was potato-flavored, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a potato and, like a friendly hobo that lives behind the dumpster on Freeman's Highway, beat the LOLcat snarkily until it ran off. "That will teach you to glomp innocent people."

Then he clasped Kakeru close. Kakeru was bleeding oddly. "My darling," Yuki said, and pressed his lips to Kakeru's pinky.

"I love you," Kakeru said grabbily, and expired in Yuki's arms.

Yuki never loved again.

The Glowing Terror Of The Snow

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Kakeru and Yuki went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Kakeru hit Yuki in his knee with a big sparkly iceball. It hurt a lot, but Kakeru kissed it drabbley and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really systematic snow man!" Kakeru said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Yuki said. "That would be more snarly and politically correct."

"I know," Kakeru said. "We can make a snow LOLcat. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up snarkily and made a tiger-like snow LOLcat. Kakeru put on a potato for the pinky. The LOLcat was almost as big as Yuki.

"It looks panicky," Kakeru said quickly. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Yuki said and held up a potato-flavored rat. "I found this in a anime convention." He put the rat onto the LOLcat's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the LOLcat, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like a friendly hobo that lives behind the dumpster on Freeman's Highway.

Yuki screamed grabbily and ran but the snow LOLcat chased him until he tripped over a tree root. Then the snow LOLcat glomped him oddly.

"Nobody does that to my little Angsty Goose," Kakeru screamed. He grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow LOLcat through the nose. It fell down and Kakeru kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Yuki said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The rat lay in the yard until a chocolatey child picked it up and took it home.

Grabbily Tripping

Yuki tripped along oddly. He was on his way to meet his lover, Kakeru, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a LOLcat hopping along, carrying a rat in its mouth.

Yuki was almost in a anime convention when he came across a sparkly cake, lying alone on a tiger-like plate. "That must be a treat from my panicky bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked glowing, so he ate it.

It gave him the most snarly tingling sensation in his pinky. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Kakeru.

When Kakeru came out to meet him, he took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Yuki cried drabbley.

"Your nose! And your knee!" Kakeru said. "They're angsty! Can't you feel it?"

Yuki felt his nose and his knee. They were indeed quite angsty. "Oh, no!" Yuki said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that sparkly cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Kakeru said. "I got you a goose. It must have been that systematic man who lives nearby. He acts a little snarkily, ever since he glomped a potato."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Yuki sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Kakeru said quickly, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your nose is really chocolatey like that."

"Really?" Yuki dried her tears. Yuki kissed Kakeru and it was an entirely potato-flavored sensation, like a friendly hobo that lives behind the dumpster on Freeman's Highway.

They spent the night having entirely potato-flavored sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.

The Battle For The Potato

In a anime convention, Yuki glomped his potato. He had been busy with the potato for hours and now wanted nothing more than a sparkly cuddle or a potato-flavored massage from his lover Kakeru.

He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his chocolatey Kakeru appeared at the door, grinning drabbley.

"Put down the potato," Kakeru said snarkily. "Unless you want me to glomp that potato on your nose."

Yuki put down the potato. He was angsty. He had never seen Kakeru so glowing before and it made him systematic.

Kakeru picked up the potato, then withdrew a rat from his knee. "Don't be so angsty," Kakeru said with a glowing grimace. "A LOLcat bit my pinky this morning, and everything became panicky. Now with this potato and this rat I can snarkily rule the world!"

Yuki clutched his tiger-like pinky oddly. This was his lover, his chocolatey Kakeru, now staring at him with a glowing knee.

"Fight it!" Yuki shouted. "The LOLcat just wants the potato for his own chocolatey devices! He doesn't love you, not the sparkly way I do!"

Yuki could see Kakeru trembling oddly. Yuki reached out his nose and touched Kakeru's knee snarkily. He was chocolatey, so chocolatey, but he knew only his tiger-like love for Kakeru would break the LOLcat's spell.

Sure enough, Kakeru dropped the potato with a thunk. "Oh, Yuki," he squealed. "I'm so sparkly, can you ever forgive me?"

But Yuki had already moved in a anime convention. Like a friendly hobo that lives behind the dumpster on Freeman's Highway, he pressed his nose into Kakeru's knee. And as they fell together in a panicky fit of love, the potato lay on the floor, systematic and forgotten.

The Sparkly Stranger

The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Yuki strode along the path, making for Angsty Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, he carried the Chocolatey Goose, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Pinky.

A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave him warning and he drew his systematic rat just in time to face the glowing man who flew at him with such grace that he was almost dazzled.

The man struck snarkily, and Yuki barely raised his rat to meet the attack. They fought long and drabbley until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.

At last, Yuki found himself forced to one knee, the man's rat pressed to his snarly knee. "I am Kakeru of Angsty Castle," he said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Chocolatey Goose. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you in a anime convention."

But Yuki had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up his rat with a twist, overpowered Kakeru and pinned him to the ground. "What say you now?" Yuki said, looking down upon him.

Kakeru's nose shimmered like a friendly hobo that lives behind the dumpster on Freeman's Highway. "I have underestimated you, Yuki. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."

Yuki's desire was enflamed. His knee throbbed and all his thoughts were to glomp Kakeru like a LOLcat. Yuki caressed Kakeru's panicky nose and he responded. They came together quickly, and their joining was as tiger-like as their battle, and also much louder.

"Ah, my sweet potato!" Yuki groaned and glomped Kakeru as oddly as he could.

"Ouch!" he yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," Yuki said. "That's where I put the Chocolatey Goose for safekeeping. Sorry."

When they had finished their romp, they drowsed grabbily on the grass, forgetful of all but their potato-flavored love. "We will stay together forever," Kakeru said, and they began all over again.

And so it was that the Wizard Pinky never got the Chocolatey Goose and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.

Okay, I am sorely tempted to draw these out. XD

[Artemis Day]

Tamaki/Haruhi (Ouran High School Host Club)

The Armadillo Princess

Tamaki was walking through a Thin meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a Outrageous little armadillo lying under a tree.

Tamaki skipped over to see the dear thing and was Enormous to find that she was hurt! A Toilet had pierced her Insane little Small Intestines and she whimpered Happily with the pain.

"My Wild little friend," Tamaki said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the Toilet, as Oddly as he could. The armadillo cried out and Tamaki's heart ached, like a dime store candy bar half melted by the sun.. "You'll be all right," Tamaki whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Haruhi and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Haruhi up in his arms, Tamaki carried her home and made a bed for her beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Tamaki nursed Haruhi, cleaning her Small Intestines and feeding her Crack-brand armadillo chow.

On the eighth night, Haruhi climbed into bed with Tamaki. She burrowed under the covers and Sexily spun Tamaki's Eye socket. It made Tamaki giggle and he cuddled close to Haruhi, stroking her Kidney and singing Creepily to her.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Tamaki hurried home so he could curl up with Haruhi. It gave him a Sensitive feeling whenever Haruhi spun his Eye socket.

Then one night, Haruhi looked up at Tamaki and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a Wordly princess."

Tamaki screamed Sadly, he was so surprised. How could an armadillo talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Haruhi said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Tamaki said and kissed Haruhi on her Kidney. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a Wordly princess! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Princess Haruhi," she said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Tamaki said.

"See?" Haruhi said and showed Tamaki the scar from the Toilet on her Small Intestines. Then she kissed Tamaki and they tumbled on a boat and did a lot of very Sweet things, some of them involving a Giddy Table.

"I love you," Haruhi said when they were done. Tamaki clasped her close and they lived together happily ever after on all the princess treasure Haruhi had stashed away.

And if Haruhi didn't know about Tamaki's visits to the armadillo sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt her.
**
What's funny is that this is kind of IC for Tamaki. XD

[taranova]

A Demonic Day To Lick

Alfons stepped stupidly out into the Mexican sunshine, and admired Ed's ass. "Ah," he sighed, "That's a dead sight."

Ed climbed off the crayon and walked sweetly across the grass to greet his lover. Alfons patted Ed on the mouth and then tried to lick him forcefully, but without success.

"That's all right," Ed said. "We can try again later."

"I'm just not lame," Alfons. "Not as lame as the time we licked in a car."

Ed nodded lecherously. "We were Japanese back in those days."

"Our brainstems were younger, and we had a lot more fun with them," Alfons said. "Everything seems German and proposterous when you're young."

"Of course," Ed said. "But now we're poopy, we can still have fun. If we go about it angrily."

"Angrily?" Alfons said . "But how?"

"With this," Ed said and held out a holy fetish. "Just take that with some water and in half an hour, you'll be ready to lick."

Alfons swallowed the fetish at once and sure enough, in half an hour, they were able to lick angrily. They licked like a banana that got all moldy. Three times.

And then the neighbour told them to get off his lawn.





The Stinky Terror Of The Snow

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Riza and Roy went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Riza hit Roy in his boob with a big formidable iceball. It hurt a lot, but Riza kissed it lazily and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really tempered snow man!" Riza said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Roy said. "That would be more lovely and politically correct."

"I know," Riza said. "We can make a snow Black Hayate. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up drunkenly and made a damaged snow Black Hayate. Riza put on a Hitler for the pinky. The Black Hayate was almost as big as Roy.

"It looks hideous," Riza said hungrily. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Roy said and held up a clean coup d'etat. "I found this in the Gate." He put the coup d'etat onto the Black Hayate's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the Black Hayate, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like dead bodies covered in lemon juice.

Roy screamed belatedly and ran but the snow Black Hayate chased him until he tripped over a tree root. Then the snow Black Hayate shot him loudly.

"Nobody does that to my little Putrid Bag Of Munchies," Riza screamed. She grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow Black Hayate through the weenis. It fell down and Riza kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Roy said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The coup d'etat lay in the yard until a pretty child picked it up and took it home.





1000 Dystopia Bees

Nezumi paced lustfully back and forth. Bloody dread filled his heart. Shion should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like him to be late. Oh, my horny love, Nezumi thought. Where could you be?

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Shion had been taken hostage by Pink Hand, a supervillain who had the city in a state of cute terror. Nezumi fainted dead away, like a gay rainbow.

When he came to, there was a bump on his heart and the bloody dread had returned. "Shion, my unfathomable honey bunny," he cried out happily. "What is Pink Hand doing to you?" Probably torturing him, laughing sadly as he crossdressed him in the hair.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, Nezumi remembered a story his grandmother had told him. If you fold 1000 dystopia bees, then whatever you wish for will come true.

Nezumi ordered in a supply of dystopia and set to work, folding bees until his heart was sore and he could hardly see. It took a week. He was just finishing up the very last bee when Shion walked in the front door.

"Shion!" Nezumi screamed and threw himself into Shion's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 dystopia bees and it brought you back to me." He was so happy, he felt like he was dancing in a box. He kissed Shion shyly on the hair.

"Actually," Shion said, pulling away somberly, "I was rescued by the Girly Sandwich. He's a new superhero in town." Shion sighed. "And he's really hideous."

The bloody dread came back. "But you're moronic to be back here with me, right?"

Shion checked his watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Girly Sandwich for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay best, baby." He left and the door banged behind him.

Nezumi choked back a sob and started folding another bee. Then he went out and got drunk instead.




To Happily Crossdress

Nezumi and Shion were celebrating a cute Valentine's Day together. Nezumi had cooked a bloody dinner and they ate in a box by candlelight.

"My darling," Shion said, stroking Nezumi's heart, "I have something for you." He gave a box to Nezumi. "It is but a horny token of my hideous love."

Nezumi opened the box. Inside was a best Final Fantasy! He gazed at it lustfully. Then he gazed at Shion lustfully. "It's girly," Nezumi said. "Come here and let me crossdress you."

Just then, a pink crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a gay rainbow. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a moronic voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Shion read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other sadly as the crone cackled some more. Nezumi's hand began to tremble. Then Shion shrugged, pulled out a dystopia, and hit the crone on her hair. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Nezumi said and kissed Shion shyly. "This is an unfathomable Valentine's Day!"

They somberly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they crossdressed each other all night long.