Post by bespecledcow on Jun 9, 2011 15:33:57 GMT -5
Thanks to all of you for being so awesome. Thanks dearheart, I also think its great how we can all get along, and I wish you all were here for me to hug because I could really really use it.
Guess its my week to have rants, huh? Though I don't know if this will be a rant so much as...something that is currently making me cry a lot.
Today was supposed to be a really happy day. I'm graduating High School today. I was going to have a little party after with my friends, my mom was going to make my favorite food. But then came my sister.
I love my sister. I am the kind of person that loves with their whole heart; as a result, my heart is often broken. And the person that breaks it most often is my sister. We've always been different. She likes makeup, hair, clothes, Degrassi, being on the drill team...and I, well, don't. An example: I never wear matching socks. Not a thing I do on purpose, I just don't fold my socks and grab whichever two are nearest to me. When were were little my sister and I were really close; she would do things for me, like bake me brownies when I was sick. Now we always seem to be fighting.
She can't take any crit. As soon as you say that she was rude, she starts going on about how this makes her a horrible person, instead of, you know, trying to not be so rude. Then she turns around what you say and claims that YOU are the rude one and that she has been trying to be nice and good while you were horrible. She refuses to listen to anything other than what she says. And she considers stating an opinion to be 'trying to put yourself in someone else's business'.
I'm trying to not give specifics here...not because I don't trust you guys but because I don't want to start crying harder.
A few weeks ago we had a huge fight. Really bad things were said on both sides. I promised that I would put the past behind me and start new; that I wanted to be friends. She agreed.
Nothing has changed. I invite her to do things with me; she says no every time. She snaps at me. Yells. Refuses to talk to me. Refused to sign my yearbook. Insults my boyfriend and my best friend just because they don't take her shit. Says that I am being a bitch because I don't do everything she says.
Today, she told me I betrayed her. I wanted to have a little party for my friends. When she has birthday parties sometimes she requests that I stay at a friend's house- it is her party for her friends after all. I have no problem with this, I do the same with her. This time she is angry because I invited an ex-boyfriend of hers. I didn't actually invite him. He is my friend, has been for two years now, and I told him I was having a party and said that maybe something could b worked out so things wouldn't be weird with him and my sister. Things between them had ended badly so he said he'd come only if she wasn't there. Later, I talked to her about it, and before I could say much, she said that her and ex were talking and that she'd let me know. She seemed mad at me, and I wasn't sure why. Slightly irritated, I asked mom if she could suggest lightly to her to sleep over at a friends so things wouldn't be weird. I just wanted to have a party with my friends.
She says I chose her ex over her. She says that I betrayed her.
I wanted to scream at her. Tell her to stop insulting all the people I care about, and that if I had betrayed her she shouldn't bother coming to graduation. But I didn't.
I want to get mad at her. Because I have forgotten and forgiven the past. I forgive her each day no matter how mean she is to me. She and my father constantly fight and while sometimes he is in the wrong, most of the time she is. Once, she told me that she wouldn't be sad if he died.
I want to be her friend. I want to be close to her again. She is having her own issues and we're trying to find a councilor for her, but she hates talking about her problems. I want to feel like I don't love her more than she will ever love me. But that is how it is. Sometimes I wonder if she loves me at all. I hate my home being a battlefield. I hate arguing with her and worrying about her because she has low self esteem and shitty friends. I want to be there for her, but she pushes me away with both hands. When I try to give her space, she claims that I'm being too distant.
I feel like I need a vacation from her.
Guess its my week to have rants, huh? Though I don't know if this will be a rant so much as...something that is currently making me cry a lot.
Today was supposed to be a really happy day. I'm graduating High School today. I was going to have a little party after with my friends, my mom was going to make my favorite food. But then came my sister.
I love my sister. I am the kind of person that loves with their whole heart; as a result, my heart is often broken. And the person that breaks it most often is my sister. We've always been different. She likes makeup, hair, clothes, Degrassi, being on the drill team...and I, well, don't. An example: I never wear matching socks. Not a thing I do on purpose, I just don't fold my socks and grab whichever two are nearest to me. When were were little my sister and I were really close; she would do things for me, like bake me brownies when I was sick. Now we always seem to be fighting.
She can't take any crit. As soon as you say that she was rude, she starts going on about how this makes her a horrible person, instead of, you know, trying to not be so rude. Then she turns around what you say and claims that YOU are the rude one and that she has been trying to be nice and good while you were horrible. She refuses to listen to anything other than what she says. And she considers stating an opinion to be 'trying to put yourself in someone else's business'.
I'm trying to not give specifics here...not because I don't trust you guys but because I don't want to start crying harder.
A few weeks ago we had a huge fight. Really bad things were said on both sides. I promised that I would put the past behind me and start new; that I wanted to be friends. She agreed.
Nothing has changed. I invite her to do things with me; she says no every time. She snaps at me. Yells. Refuses to talk to me. Refused to sign my yearbook. Insults my boyfriend and my best friend just because they don't take her shit. Says that I am being a bitch because I don't do everything she says.
Today, she told me I betrayed her. I wanted to have a little party for my friends. When she has birthday parties sometimes she requests that I stay at a friend's house- it is her party for her friends after all. I have no problem with this, I do the same with her. This time she is angry because I invited an ex-boyfriend of hers. I didn't actually invite him. He is my friend, has been for two years now, and I told him I was having a party and said that maybe something could b worked out so things wouldn't be weird with him and my sister. Things between them had ended badly so he said he'd come only if she wasn't there. Later, I talked to her about it, and before I could say much, she said that her and ex were talking and that she'd let me know. She seemed mad at me, and I wasn't sure why. Slightly irritated, I asked mom if she could suggest lightly to her to sleep over at a friends so things wouldn't be weird. I just wanted to have a party with my friends.
She says I chose her ex over her. She says that I betrayed her.
I wanted to scream at her. Tell her to stop insulting all the people I care about, and that if I had betrayed her she shouldn't bother coming to graduation. But I didn't.
I want to get mad at her. Because I have forgotten and forgiven the past. I forgive her each day no matter how mean she is to me. She and my father constantly fight and while sometimes he is in the wrong, most of the time she is. Once, she told me that she wouldn't be sad if he died.
I want to be her friend. I want to be close to her again. She is having her own issues and we're trying to find a councilor for her, but she hates talking about her problems. I want to feel like I don't love her more than she will ever love me. But that is how it is. Sometimes I wonder if she loves me at all. I hate my home being a battlefield. I hate arguing with her and worrying about her because she has low self esteem and shitty friends. I want to be there for her, but she pushes me away with both hands. When I try to give her space, she claims that I'm being too distant.
I feel like I need a vacation from her.
Not that its bad the others didn't (it happens!) I just wanted to thank you all the same. *hugs*
