[Crackfic] Dramaverse - Part Four updated 11/11/10

[PuzzleChick]

I AM BACK FOR DRAMAVERSE'S RESSURECTION, ITS THIRD TO DATE.

THIS TIME IT STAYS. =B

(Long story short, Dramaverse is a crackfic inspired by the fanfic Mirrorworld and goaded on by various club members over the years. I am its humble scribe.)

Title: Dramaverse Part One: The Love Dodecahedron and Other Dramatic Things
Genre: Crack/Script-style
Rating: PG-13 (see warnings)
Pairings: Ed/Alfons, Alfons/Zipper, Greed/Ling, Martel/Dorochet, Riza/Roy, and numerous one-sided pairings
Summary: Ed thought life would finally be normal, until Alfons ran away with his zipper and his antenna was plucked out. And that was just the beginning...
Notes: Set an undetermined amount of time after chapter 32 of the fanfic Mirrorworld. Special thanks go out to Crow the Reaper, the crackmuse and encourager of this fic and all it contains. <3

For the fic overall:
Spoilers: The anime, manga, and Mirrorworld fic.
Warnings: Crack, deliberate OOCness, language, random references, non-continuity, meeping, and anything for the lulz. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

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Alfons: *marches into the room* “Ed, I have something to tell you.”
Ed: “What’s that?”
Alfons: “I’m in love with your zipper.”
Ed: “…You mean the one you were so fascinated with that you almost completely forgot about having sex?”
Alfons: “That’s the one. Zipper and I are going to run away together because nobody here understands our love.”
Ed: “But you’re gay.”
Alfons: *glares* “So?! You just don’t understand Zipper and mine’s love either! You’re just jealous I love him more than you!”
Ed: “But the zipper is–”
Alfons: *turns around and storms out*
Ed: *dissolves into angst puddle* ;____________;



Ed: *in the fetal position on the floor of Al’s house* “How could he just up and leave me?? I talked to God and everything all for his sake! Just to make him happy! AND IT TURNS OUT HE ONLY LOVED ME FOR MY ZIPPER.”
Al: *pats his shoulder* “It’ll be okay big brother.”
Ed: “YOU’RE NOT FEELING SORRY FOR ME AT ALL. YOU’RE HAPPY BECAUSE YOU NEVER LIKED ALFONS ANYWAY.”
Al: “That isn’t true, I just always thought there are other men in the world besides men who look just like me.”
Ed: “YOU’RE ENJOYING MY PAIN, YOU MONSTER!”
Al: “Hey, why don’t you go to bed and get some sleep, maybe you’ll feel better after a nice rest–”
Ed: *wails and bursts into more tears*
Al: “Oy.” *goes outside to tend to his vegetable garden and leaves Ed on the floor to be looked after by the cats*
Cats: *get bored after five seconds and start playing with Ed’s bangs*
Ed: *angsts* *eventually falls asleep*
Al: *outside watering his vegetable garden* *sees Ed walk out* “Big brother?”
Ed: *walks over to the white picket fence and transmutes it into a black iron fence with gargoyles*
Al: “…Er, big brother?”
Ed: *goes to the neighbor’s house and transmutes their mailbox into a giant dragon*
Al: “Uh, big brother what are you–”
Ed: *in the middle of transmuting another neighbor’s shutters into a snake pattern with spikes* *snores*
Al: *facepalm* “Big brother, you’re doing sleep alchemy again!” *goes over and shakes him awake*
Ed: “WAH?” *looks around* “What happened?”
Al: *leading him back to the house* “You were doing sleep alchemy. Again.”
Ed: “I don’t do sleep alchemy.”
Al: “You’ve been doing it ever since you woke up from your coma. Every single night!”
Ed: “Don’t yell at me, you’ve been sleep stealing cats.”
Al: *horrified* “I HAVE NOT.”
Ed: “I suppose you don’t realize that in the morning you’ve got more cats than you did the night before.”
Al: “That isn’t my fault, they just appear.”
Ed: “BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN STEALING THEM IN YOUR SLEEP.”
Al: “Whatever, just go back inside and I’ll fix the neighbors’ stuff.”
Ed: “I have a right to have a few problems, you know. I have the right to do sleep-alchemy. I got stabbed through the chest here, then got smushed by a falling Zeppelin There, then died again here to save you, then went through all kinds of Hell over There–”
Al: *pausing in his transmuting* “Why are you capitalizing There?”
Ed: “BECAUSE IT’S THE SORT OF PLACE THAT NEEDS CAPITALIZING. DON’T INTERRUPT WHILE I’M ANGSTING.”
Al: “Kay, sorry.”
Ed: “And then I arrive back here again and I’m blind and deaf and think people are torturing me and then finally things are okay and then my boyfriend leaves me for my zipper! I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO HAVE ISSUES THAT MAKE ME DO SLEEP ALCHEMY.”
Al: “I know, I know. Just go inside.”
GreedLing: *randomly appears* “Hiya Fullmetal.”
Ed: “Hi. Who are you?”
GreedLing: “Oh, right, sorry. I’m Greed in the body of your friend Ling.”
Ed: “I thought I killed you. And who’s Ling?”
GreedLing: “No, no, I’m from the manga.”
Ed: “Oh. Okay then. Nice to meet you.”
GreedLing: “Same. Anyway, my love for you is epic and true, and I’d like to ask you to go out with me.”
Ed: “…but I don’t know you.”
GreedLing: “So? No, seriously, we do have chemistry in the manga, really.”
Ed: “But…” *thinks of Alfons and Zipper* *gets jealous* “Okay, Mr. GreedLing. Feel free to woo me. It just so happens I’m currently single.”
GreedLing: *produces flowers and candy*
Ed: *impressed* “Not bad.”
GreedLing: “I can do better.”

[Five minutes later]

Ed: *lounging on a couch surrounded by chocolates and flowers and slaves to do his bidding and being fed grapes* “I could get used to this.”
GreedLing: “Anything for someone so tall and handsome.” ^_^
Ed: *beams* “I think we could make this relationship work.”
Al: “Big brother, you’ve only known him for like six minutes.”
Ed: “Don’t interrupt while someone is calling me tall and handsome!”
Al: “Sorry.” *goes back to his garden, shaking his head*

[An hour later]

Ed: *walking over to Al* “Hey, how’s the garden coming?”
Al: “I thought you were busy being pampered.”
Ed: “Nah, GreedLing is off buying me the most expensive cars and clothing and wine money can buy.”
Al: “You don’t drink wine.”
Ed: “I do now. Anyway, you’re always working on this garden and deserve a break. Why don’t you take a vacation? GreedLing is taking care of me and will stop me from transmuting the neighbor’s stuff. I’ll look after your garden for you for a few days.”
Al: “Well…a vacation might be nice. I have been awfully busy lately. Alright, thank you big brother. This is really nice of you.” *packs up his stuff and heads for the beach*

[Two days later]

Al: *pounding on Ed’s front door* “Big brother!”
Ed: *opens it* “What?”
Al: “All of my plants are almost dead!”
Ed: “Yeah, I know, weirdest thing. I think they’re sick or something. I didn’t do anything to them, I swear. Maybe they were murdered by someone whose cat you stole.”
Al: *glares* *grabs Ed by the collar and drags him over to the garden* *points at the ground* “Notice anything?”
Ed: “…Your plants look horrible?”
Al: “I MEAN ABOUT THE SOIL.”
Ed: “…It’s dry?”
Al: “Exactly!”
Ed: “Al, did you steal some of the wine that GreedLing bought me? He’s busy buying me my own country right now, by the way~”
Al: “YOU FORGOT TO WATER MY PLANTS.”
Ed: “…They need water?”
Al: “YES, they need water! They won’t grow if you don’t give them any water! You’re lucky I was only gone for two days, I can probably save them, but another day or so and you would have doomed them forever, and you know that you’re terrible at going shopping when you’re supposed to, and you live off the vegetables from my garden and without it we’d all get scurvy–”
Ed: *only heard that water = growth* “Al?”
Al: “What?”
Ed: *holds up the watering can, beaming* “Water me?”
Al: “Oh, the Elricest fangirls are going to have a field day with that line…”
Ed: “I mean it, dammit! If I get watered, maybe I’ll grow!”
Al: *turns around* “I’m gonna go inside now and feed the cats. Please don’t be out here when I get back.”
Ed: *glances around and quickly buries himself in the garden patch*
Al: *exits the house a few minutes later and turns the hose on* *waters the garden and begins to weed it* *accidentally plucks Edward’s antenna*
Ed: “ARRRAGGHH!” *jumps out of the ground*
Al: O____O
Ed: DDDD8 “LOOK WHAT YOU DID.”
Al: “…Why were you buried in my garden?”
Ed: “YOU PLUCKED MY ANTENNA OUT! HOW AM I GOING TO DO ANYTHING NOW?!”
Al: “Er…why would not having an antenna make a difference? And why were you in my garden?!”
Ed: “BECAUSE I NEED IT TO SURVIVE.” T______T “It senses weather patterns and serves as a navigational device and I need it for balance and–” *wobbles and falls over* *curls into fetal position* “First my boyfriend and now this! All thanks to you!”
Al: “So I’m the one who made Alfons run away with your zipper and buried you in the garden specifically so that I could pluck your antenna?”
Ed: “YES.”
Al: “Oh, okay. Good to know the blame is being placed where it belongs.”
Ed: “You need to grow me a new one. NAO.”
Al: “…But you have an extra one, remember? You’ll be fine, able to read the weather and navigate and everything.”
Ed: “GROW ME A NEW ANTENNA OR I’M NEVER GOING BACK HOME. I’LL LIE HERE AND ANGST IN YOUR YARD FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. DON’T THINK I CAN’T.”
Al: D8 *runs to the store to buy Antennae Seeds and plants them at top speed*

[Meanwhile, someplace else]

Zipper: “Um…Alfons, there’s something you need to know. I’m a girl.”
Alfons: “What?”
Zipper: “You keep referring to me as male. Well, see, I’m a female zipper.”
Alfons: “You’re a girl?”
Zipper: “I thought you knew that.”
Alfons: *packs his bags* “I’m going home!” *storms out*
Zipper: >__> …

[Back at the Elrics’]

Alfons: “Ed, I’m home! …What’s going on here?”
Ed: *lounging on the couch beside the Jacuzzi being fed watermelon pieces while slaves fan him with palm leaves* “Alfons? What are you doing back?”
Alfons: “I left Zipper, she was a brazen hussy and had been lying to me all along. Turns out she was a girl!”
Ed: “Yeah, I know.”
Alfons: “How did you know?!”
Ed: “Everyone knows that female zippers are rounded on the tip and males are squared.”
Alfons: “I didn’t know that.”
GreedLing: “I knew it.”
Al: “I knew it too.”
Winry: “So did I.”
Alfons: “WELL, I DIDN’T. So anyway, I left her and returned home to you, my love.”
Winry: “You just left her? That’s so cruel!” *whacks him with a wrench* “You jerk!” *storms away*
Ed: “Yeah, well…maybe I don’t want you back.”
Alfons: “What? IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE?”
GreedLing: “I’ll say there is. There’s me. Did you ever buy him his own country? I think not. Now step off my man, bitch.”
Alfons: “I’m gone three days and you already have a suitor?”
Ed: “I can’t help it if I’m sexy.”
Al: *prays to never hear his brother say any such thing again*
Alfons: “Okay, fine then. If you don’t love me anymore, that’s just fine!” *walks away in tears* *looks wistfully over his shoulder*
Ed: *looks wistfully back*
GreedLing: *sees this and realizes Ed still loves Alfons* “THAT’S IT. Alfons, I challenge you to a fight to the death for Ed’s affections. Right here, right now.”
Alfons: “Fine, I accept!”
Ed: “Uh, guys–”
Alfons and GreedLing: *steal Ed’s automail to use as weapons*
Ed: “What the– HEY!”
Al: *helpfully transmutes a ring for them to fight in and seats for spectators on the side, which he and his cats fill and wave Team GreedLing flags*
Ed: “Whose side are you on, anyway?!”
Al: *looks at his flag* “Well that should be obvious–”
Ed: “No, I mean why are you encouraging this by building them a ring?!”
Al: “Oh. For the lulz?”
Ed: *facepalm*
Alfons and GreedLing: *in the ring* *begin the fight to the death*
Ed: *frets*
Al and the cats: *wave flags*
Winry: *eats popcorn*
Alfons: “You’re pretty tough, GreedLing.”
GreedLing: “So are you.”
Alfons: “But not tough enough!” *turns the automail arm into a supermassive pink lightsaber*
GreedLing: “You think that’s impressive? Watch this!” *turns the automail leg into a supermassive multi-color-changing-rainbow lightsaber – because he’s pimpin’ like that*
Ed: “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GUYS DO THAT?!”
Winry: *mourns the automail*
Greed: *inside he and Ling’s head* “So, wait…why are we fighting this Al-look-alike again?”
Ling: “Because I love Edward.”
Greed: “But I don’t.”
Ling: “Yeah, I know, I’ve been feeding my feelings into you. I mean, you’re controlling my body and all.”
Greed: “It’s our body. And I think I ought to get 50% of the say in who we decide to court! After all, I’m sleeping with anyone who you sleep with!”
Ling: “Okay, fine, who do you want to court?”
Greed: *mumbles*
Ling: “What?”
Greed: *shifty eyes* “…You.”
Ling: “What?!”
Greed: “You’re cool, okay? I like you and I…admire you and…you’re, y’know, cute when you get all mad about me taking over and…”
Ling: *goes into swoons over Greed’s hesitant shyness* <333
Greed: “I thought you liked Fullmetal.”
Ling: <333
Greed: “…I’m not complaining about this.” ^_^
Greed and Ling: *link arms in their head and skip away together*
GreedLing: *drops the supermassive pimpin’ multi-color-changing-rainbow lightsaber and skips away to frolic in the field of wildflowers nearby*
Everyone else: “…That was strange.”
Alfons: “So I won?”
Al and the cats: *sigh in disappointment*
Winry: “If Greed and Ling have sex and they’re in the same body, is that technically masturbation?”
Everyone: O_o “Good question.”
Ed: “Hey, wait. I thought Greed liked Martel.”
Al: “Actually I sort of got that vibe, too.”
GreedLing: *calling over from the field of wildflowers* “No, we were just friends. Besides, I thought Martel was with you, Al. You let her into your armor and all.”
Alfons: “‘Let her into your armor’? Al, you dog.”
Al: *blushes* “No, we were only just friends too. I actually really liked Psiren.”
Ed: “She was a liar and a thief!”
Al: “She was awesome. And I’d let her into my armor, any day.” ;D
Ed: “I don’t want to hear my little brother say things like this! Gah!”
Psiren: *randomly appears* “Aw, Al, I liked you too. Except it never would have worked out between us.”
Al: “Why not?”
Psiren: “Well…I’m a dog person.”
Al: *guards his cats in horror*
Alfons: “So, look, if I technically won–”
Dorochet: *appears randomly* “What’s this about Al and Greed liking Martel?!” D< “If you laid a hand on her, prepare to get your asses kicked.”
Ed: “Hey, I thought you died.”
Martel: *also appears* “Dorochet, you don’t need to kick anybody’s asses. Al and Greed were only ever just friends of mine.”
Dorochet: “Oh, okay. That’s cool.”
Ed: “Didn’t the two of you die?!”
Al: “Oh, hi guys! So you’re together now? I’m glad, you make a good couple.”
Dorochet: “Thanks. It was cool of you to take care of Martel.”
Al: “It was no trouble.”
Ed: “IS ANYONE BESIDES ME CONCERNED AT ALL ABOUT THE FACT THAT MARTEL AND DOROCHET ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD?!”
Everyone else: “No.”
Martel: “You know nobody stays dead very long on this show, anyway.”
Hughes: *up in heaven* *glowers at them* “You lucky bastards.”
Martel and Dorochet: *leave to go frolic in the field of wildflowers with GreedLing*
Alfons: “Okay, so, back to the fight thing. GreedLing quit, which means that I–”
Roy: *walks up* “Fullmetal, what is this I hear about a fight for your affections?”
Alfons: “A fight that I won already–”
Ed: “Oh damn.”
Roy: *throws himself at Ed* “WHY WASN’T I INVITED TO THIS FIGHT? DO YOU KNOW I EXILED MYSELF TO OUR WORLD’S EQUIVALENT OF SIBERIA OVER MY SADNESS OF YOUR DEATH? WHY ARE MY FEELINGS NEVER COUNTED FOR?!”
Ed: “Er…this is unexpected…”
Alfons: “Is everyone on this fucking show in love with my boyfriend?!”
Al and Winry: “Well, technically he does have the most ships involving him…”
Riza: *randomly appears* *pulls out her gun and calmly shoots Roy*
Roy: *dying* “Why’d you do that for?!”
Riza: “I was supposed to shoot you if you ever strayed from the right path. You’re straying from the right path. Let’s go.” *drags him away by the leg*
Roy: *waving deliriously at Ed* “I’ll be back for you, my darling!”
Riza: *shoots him again*
Alfons: *wonders if he should even bother to ask or if that will trigger another person to show up and confess their love* “Um…so…the fight…?”
Zipper: *randomly appears, fuming*
Alfons: “…Oh shit.”
Zipper: *attacks Alfons* “I REALLY CARED ABOUT YOU, YOU DICKWEED. AND YOU JUST LEFT ME. ALL FOR–” *sees Ed* “ALL FOR THIS GUY!” *attacks Ed*
Ed: *helpless to fight since he’s still missing an arm and leg* “Arragh! Get her off!”
Ran Fan: *randomly appears, storms through the crowd over to GreedLing in the field of wildflowers, and bitch-slaps him across the face*
GreedLing: D= “What was that for?”
Ran Fan: “YOU BASTARD. I LIKED LING AND YOU TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME.”
GreedLing: *cowers*
Ran Fan: *kicks his ass across the field and back and leaves him in a bloody pile*
Everyone else, even Zipper who is still attacking Ed: *watches in awe*
Ran Fan: “’Kay, I feel better now.” *leaves*
GreedLing: *tries to continue to frolic, wincing every few seconds*
Zipper: *at that moment, tears off Ed’s spare antenna*
Ed: *melts into an angst puddle* “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOT MY ANTENNA!”
Winry: *feeling sorry for Zipper because Alfons walked out on her, invites her over to her house* *leaves Ed some replacement automail before she leaves*
Winry and Zipper: *have a slumber party with pizza and soda and popcorn and candy to try and help cheer Zipper up*
Alfons: “So now am I finally the winner…?”
Ed: *curled up in fetal position on the ground, albeit with all his arms and legs now*
Alfons: *gives up* “Screw this, I can already tell I’m not getting laid tonight.”
Al: *sticks his tongue out at Alfons*
Alfons: “Screw you, too!”
Ed: *crawls over to Al* “Al, you have to pluck me a new antenna!”
Al: “They aren’t finished growing yet.”
Ed: “WELL MAKE THEM HURRY UP.”
Al: *getting defensive* “Growing a garden doesn’t work that way. They need love and nurturing to grow! You can’t just yell at them until they finally grow up!”
Ed: *melts back into an angst puddle*
Alfons: *hugs him* “There there. It’s okay. You’ll get your antenna back soon.”
Ed: *sniffles* “Thank you Alfons.”
Alfons: *sticks his tongue out at Al* “HA.”
Al: *glares* “Fine big brother. I’ll go get you a new antenna.”
Ed: *perks up* “Really??”
Al: *plucks a new antenna from his garden and gives it to Ed*
Ed: “Thank you Al! You’re the best brother ever~” *hugs him*
Al: >D
Alfons: D<
Ran Fan: *storms back over* “I CHANGED MY MIND. I DON’T BLAME GREED, I BLAME YOU, ED.”
Ed: “Huh?”
Ran Fan: “YOU WERE THERE WHEN GREED TOOK OVER LING. IF HE HADN’T, LING NEVER WOULD HAVE STARTED LIKING HIM.” *tears off his new antenna and leaves again*
Ed: *angst puddle*
Alfons: *hurries to comfort him* “It was probably just a poorly grown antenna. If I was growing them, I’d have made a better one that she couldn’t tear off.”
Al: *glares* “Whatever, blame me if you want. The cats and I are going to go watch Mythbusters. There’s an all-night marathon on.”
Alfons: “...Cats? I like cats! And I like Mythbusters!”
Al: “...Really?”
Alfons: =D “Yes!”
Al and Alfons: =D *BFFs* *link arms and skip away into the sunset*
Ed: “…What. The hell. Was that.”

[Later that evening, between commercials]

Al: *brings Ed his antenna back* “Here. The other ones I planted have already curled up for the night, so I rescued yours from Ran Fan.”
Ed: “They…curl…?”
Al: *defensive* “At night, yes, they curl up.”
Ed: *decides to ignore that, sits up and hugs him* “Thank you Al. And I’m really glad that you and Alfons are getting along now.”
Al: “Cool. Cause he’s staying the night at my place. We’re gonna watch every single episode of Mythbusters.” =D *skips away, leaving Ed in the yard*
Ed: “…Suddenly I feel very alone. Well, at least I have my antenna back.”
Antenna: “Look, I’m tired of being yanked out every time someone is mad at you. People seem to be mad at you a lot. So I’m leaving.” *leaves*
Ed: *returns to his angst puddle*

PART ONE: END.

*announcer voice* Will Ed ever get his antenna back? Will Alfons ever get laid? Will the next chapter make any more sense than this one? Find out in part two!

[PuzzleChick]

Title: Dramaverse Part Two: The Tale of the AntennEds
Genre: Crack/Script-style
Rating: PG-13 (see warnings)
Pairings: Ed/Alfons, Greed/Ling, Riza/Roy, and numerous one-sided pairings
Summary: A flock of meeping very-small-Eds-with-very-large-antennae have invaded every aspect of Ed's life, and his attempts to do something about them are anything but victorious. Unless, of course, you're Envy...

*The warnings and spoilers from part one still apply here.
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[The morning after Ed’s antenna leaves]

Ed: *wakes up and crawls over to Al’s vegetable garden to get himself a new antenna, only to find the plot of antennae has vanished* DDD8
Al: *asleep on the floor* *wakes up to see a flock of very small Eds with very large antennae looming over him*
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: :< *loom*
Al: O_______O “ARRAGHHHHHHHH!”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *skitter away and cower in the corner* D= “Meep??”
Al: *backing away from them* “Um…what are…er…who…?”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *crowd around him* “Meep!”
Alfons: *asleep on the couch* *wakes up* “What’s going on…?”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *turn and crowd around Alfons* “Meep!”
Alfons: “…I’m going back to sleep.”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *turn back to Al, looking distressed* “Meep! Meep!!”
Ed: *bursts in the door* “AL, ALL THE ANTENNAE ARE GONE!” *sees the flock of very small Eds with very large antennae* O_____O “…WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE?!”
Al: “I can explain. No…wait, no, I can’t.”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *cower in the corner, staring at Ed in fear* DDD=
Al: “Wait, what were you saying about the antennae?”
Ed: “I was just at your garden, and they’re all gone!”
Al: “They’re…wait, hold on…” *goes and gets the instructions that came with the Antennae Seeds* “Oh no.”
Ed: D= “What, what is it?”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: “Meep???”
Al: “I wasn’t supposed to leave them planted after midnight! It says that they MUST all be harvested before midnight.”
Ed: “But what happens if you don’t…” *looks down at the flock of very small Eds with very large antennae* “…Oh.”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *looking more distressed* “Meep! Meeeeep!”
Al: “I guess these guys are from the Antennae Seeds I planted.”
Ed: “Don’t call them guys. It makes it sound like they’re, y’know, human. Call them things. Or its. Its would work.”
Al: “How can you say that?? They obviously have feelings.”
Ed: “How can you tell?!” *glares at them*
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: DDDD= *run away and cower again*
Al: “Well, they seem kind of upset about something. And you yelling at them isn’t going to help.”
Ed: “But my antenna! Maybe I can just cut off one of theirs–”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *stare in horror* DDDDDD8 *clamp their hands over their heads and run and hide behind Al*
Al: *folds his arms and glares at Ed*
Ed: “…Fine. So what do you think they’re so upset about, oh-wondrous-gardener?”
Al: “I don’t know.”
Alfons: “Hi, I’m trying to sleep here. The meeping is keeping me awake. Do you mind?”
Ed: “Well I’m glad this whole situation is just so unimportant to you!”
Al: *drags Ed outside*
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *follow them* *the antennae all swivel the same direction to catch the sun* “Meep!!” *run over to the garden patch and run around in circles* “Meep! Meep!!”
Al: “Something about the garden…?”
Ed: *sulks in the corner*
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *run around the garden and meep louder*
Al: *stares at the plot and realizes the dirt is shifting slightly* *does a quick headcount* “Oh no, there’s one still stuck underground!” *goes into superhero gardener!mode and digs it out*
Rescued very small Ed with very large antenna: =DDD *glomps Al* “Meep!!!”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: =DDD *gather around Al and their rescued brother to celebrate* “Meep! Meep!”
Al: ^____^ *pets the rescued very small Ed with very large antenna* “I’m sorry little guy, I must have planted you upside down.”
Ed: “Great Al, now we have another one to take care of.”
Al: “Ed, be nice to them. They thought they’d lost their brother, you know how that feels.”
Ed: *glares at them* *sulks some more*
One of the very small Eds with very large antennae: *accidentally squishes a worm*
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: DDDDD8 *go into synchronized angst mode and curl into angst balls*
Ed: “…HEY. THEY’RE STEALING MY ANGST MODE. I’M THE ONLY CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW WHO GETS AN ANGST MODE!”
Winry: *walks up* “What’s with all the yelling you guys…?” *sees the flock of very small Eds with very large antennae angsting* “AWWWWW! They’re so cute! What are they??”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *meep mournfully from their angst balls*
Al: “I don’t really know. They grew out of the Antennae Seeds I planted.”
Winry: *swooning* “They’re so cute and adorable and teeny~<3”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: DDDD< *RAAAAGGEEEEEEEE* “MEEP.” *go storming off across Al’s yard and into the street*
Winry: “…Are you sure they grew out of the seeds and aren’t somehow related to Ed?”
Al: *runs away to catch them*
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *rage down the street and wreck havoc on everything in sight*
Neighbors: *run outside angrily and surround the flock of very small Eds with very large antennae*
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: D= *cower in a bundle and meep innocently* “…Meep?”
Neighbors: “Awwwwww…” *forgive them instantly*
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: =D “Meep! Meep!” *run back to Al’s yard and surround Al, meeping happily*
Alfons: *walks outside* *sees the very small Eds with very large antennae* “Oh…so I didn’t dream them.”
Al: “Nope.”
Ed: *still sulking*
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *surround Alfons* “Meep?”
Alfons: “Er…”
Winry: “I think they like you because you look like Al. Al saved one of their lives.”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: *meep at Alfons*
Alfons: “So…are we keeping them?”
Ed: “NO WE ARE NOT. WE ARE GETTING RID OF THEM.” >__>
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: ;___; *crowd around Al and Alfons* “Meep…?”
Winry: “Ed, how can you be so heartless? They’re helpless. You can’t just send them away with nobody to take care of them.”
Ed: “Watch me.”
Alfons: “So…what are we going to call them? Meeps?”
Ed: “WE’RE NOT CALLING THEM ANYTHING BECAUSE WE AREN’T KEEPING THEM.”
Al: “I was thinking we should call them Antennae or something like that. They did sprout from Antennae Seeds.”
Winry: “What about AntennEds? They look exactly like him, with little boots and gloves and everything…”
Ed: >__________> “NO. WE ARE NOT CALLING THEM THAT.”
Alfons: “AntennEds sounds good.”
Al: “I think it does too.”
Flock of very small Eds with very large antennae: =D *meep gleefully*
Ed: “Hi, remember me? Main character? I said no.”
Winry: “AntennEds it is!”
Ed: “OY. IS ANYBODY LISTENING…?” *trails off and gives up* “Fine, call them AntennEds. We’re getting rid of them anyway. Right Alfons? You didn’t like them because they wouldn’t let you sleep, remember?”
Alfons: *gazing at the AntennEds thoughtfully* *starts imagining getting to have an orgy with all the Eds* =D
AntennEds: “Meep?”
Alfons: *winks seductively at them*
AntennEds: *tilt heads* “Meep?”
Alfons: “…They’re asexual, aren’t they?” ;_;
Ed: *has realized what Alfons was thinking* D< *jumps up, grabs him, and drags him away into their house to “punish” him*
Alfons: “…This worked out rather well after all.” ^___^
Al: “Well at least they went in their own house and not mine.”
AntennEds: *meep curiously, watching Alfons get dragged away*
Winry: “So, Al…do you know what AntennEds eat?”
Al: *looks worried* “No, I don’t. I thought maybe since they’re plants and their antennae swivel toward the sun that they get all their nutrition from it and water.”
Winry: “Well just in case maybe you should try giving them some food and seeing what happens.”
Al: “Good idea.” *turns around to see that the AntennEds have vanished. “…Uh oh.”

[Inside Ed and Alfons’ house]

Ed and Alfons: *in a rather compromising situation in bed*
AntennEds: “Meep?”
Ed and Alfons: “…” *sit up to see the AntennEds peering curiously around the door* O__O “ARRAGHH!”
AntennEds: *scatter, meeping in terror as Ed transmutes pillows into rocks and hurls them at them*
Al: *rushes in to rescue them*
Ed: *storms after them*
Alfons: *mourns the loss of the “punishment” he’d been promised*

[That night]

Al and Alfons: *watching Mythbusters*
AntennEds: *gather around, staring in awe at the TV set*
Al: “Hey, Alfons. Have you noticed that I have a television even though they haven’t been invented yet? And the people on them are obviously from the future in your world?”
Alfons: “Yeah, I did. Weird, huh?”
Al: “Very weird.”
Al and Alfons: *shrug and continue watching*
AntennEds: *meep quietly*
Alfons: “They look tired.”
Al: “Do you think they sleep?”
AntennEds: *yawn* “Meep…” *curl up and fall asleep in a pile*
Alfons: *finishes watching Mythbusters and returns home* *sees Ed sitting on the couch* “Hi Ed. So it looks like AntennEds sleep.”
Ed: “Woop-de-do. And stop calling them that!”
Alfons: “Sorry. I’m going to bed. Wanna join me~?” ;3
Ed: “In a bit.”
Alfons: *leaves the room, sulking* “I got more sex when he was stuck in my world…”
Ed: *sees a perfect opportunity to get rid of the AntennEds* *sneaks over to Al’s house, transmutes a wagon, piles all the AntennEds in it, and transports them out to the woods* >D “Ha, they’ll never be able to find their way back from here.”
AntennEds: *begin to wake up and look around, puzzled* *stare up at Ed* “Meep?”
Ed: “You’re staying out here. You’ve stolen the attention of my boyfriend, my brother, and my friends and I’m sick of you.” D<
Forest: *scary noises*
AntennEds: “…Meep?” ;~;
Ed: “…”
AntennEds: *jump out of the cart and crowd around Ed, meeping nervously*
Ed: “…Stop staring at me like that! I hate you and you can gaze beseechingly at me all you want, it won’t make a difference!”
AntennEds: *gaze at him with big shiny pleading eyes*
Ed: ;~~~~; “…” *leads them all back to the wagon and takes them back to Al’s house*
AntennEds: =D
Ed: “…I hate myself.”

[The next day]

Ed: *still plotting how to get rid of them without having to do it himself* “Ah, I know! *calls Scar*
Scar: *arrives, takes one look at the AntennEds all sunning and meeping to each other in Al’s yard, and breaks down in tears* “THEY’RE TOO CUTE TO ASPLODE.”
Ed: “…What the hell kind of villain are you?”
Scar: “I’m not a villain, I just have a lot of problems, okay?! Leave me alone!” *runs away*
Ed: “…Okay then.” *calls Kimblee*
Kimblee: *arrives, takes one look at the AntennEds all sunning and meeping to each other in Al’s yard, and becomes very quiet*
Ed: “So can you get rid of them or what?”
Kimblee: “…”
Ed: “Hello?”
Kimblee: “…”
Ed: *waves hand in front of Kimblee’s face*
Kimblee: *explodes*
Ed: O__O… “That…was unexpected.”
Kimblee: *reassembles himself* “They’re…they’re just…too…cute…GAH.” *explodes again*
Ed: “We seriously need some new villains on this show.” *goes back to plotting* “Ah ha! I know! I’ll call Envy. He’s evil enough to roast puppies, he won’t be taken in by the Antennae Meeps.”
Envy on the phone: “Strange squeaky alien things you say? Sounds fun. Sure, I’ll come over and get rid of them for you.” *hangs up*
Ed: *hangs up* “Good, got that taken care of.”
AntennEds: *continue sunning and meeping to each other in Al’s yard*
Ed: “…”
AntennEds: *continue meeping happily*
Ed: DDDDD’= “…WHAT HAVE I DONE?!” *dissolves into a guilt puddle* “I’ve sent the poor little things to their doom!” ;____;
Alfons: “What’s with the angst puddle, Ed?”
Ed: “IT’S A GUILT PUDDLE, NOT AN ANGST PUDDLE.”
Alfons: “…Okay. Want to come to the store with me?”
Ed: “No…it’s all my fault. So I should be here when…when it h-happens…” *bursts into tears*
Alfons: “Um, what’s going to happen?”
Ed: *cries harder*
Alfons: “Okay then. I’ll be back later.”
Ed: *crawls over to Al’s yard and sits down with the AntennEds*
AntennEds: *crowd around him happily* “Meep!”
Ed: ;____; *bursts into tears again*
AntennEds: D= *try to cheer him up by patting his arm and meeping louder*
Ed: ;_______________; *hugs the nearest ones* “I’m so sorry little Antennae Meeps.” *runs inside and runs back out with ice cream and starts giving them spoonfuls*
Al: *comes outside* “Ed, that’s my ice cream you just rushed in here and stole…what’s going on here?”
Ed: *bursts into sobs*
AntennEds: =D *eat the ice cream* *get brain freeze* DD8 *run around in circles clutching at their heads*
Al: “Um…oh, okay, well at least now we know the AntennEds eat human food. I’m not sure ice cream was a good place to start though.”
Ed: ;________; “I only wanted to give them something n-nice…!” *returns to his guilt puddle*
AntennEds: *after the brain freeze wears off, return to Ed waving their spoons and meeping at him for more ice cream*
Ed: *wibbles* “They’re so innocent! What have I done??” *woe* *gloom* *guilt-machine*
Al: *eyes Ed suspiciously* “Big brother, what’s going on…?”
Envy: *walks up* “Hello everyone!”
Al: “Envy, what are you doing here?”
Envy: “Oh chill, I’m not here to bother you or Fullmetal.”
Ed: *jumps up and stands in front of the AntennEds* “Don’t hurt the Antennae Meeps!”
Al: *stares in shock* “Big brother…?”
Envy: “Antennae whatsits?”
Ed: “The Antennae Meeps; don’t hurt them! They never did anything to you!”
Envy: *stares in confusion* “I thought you called them Antennae Squeaks. You never mentioned that they meep.”
Al: >_>… “Ed, how does Envy know about the AntennEds?”
Ed: “Whatever, just stay away from them!”
Envy: *peers over him*
AntennEds: *see Envy and scuttle over, waving spoons and meeping in joy at meeting a new friend* =D
Envy: “They…they meep…Fullmetal never said they meeped!”
Al: *glares suspiciously at Ed* “Ed…”
Ed: “Um…”
Al: “When did you talk to Envy?”
Ed: “I…um…sort of called him…”
Al: “YOU CALLED HIM TO COME AND KILL THE ANTENNEDS? HOW HEARTLESS ARE YOU?!”
Ed: ;___; “No, you don’t understand! I felt bad about it the second I hung up! I’ve felt terrible all day!”
Al: “YOU DAMN WELL SHOULD. YOU ARE GOING TO DEFEND THOSE POOR THINGS, I DON’T CARE IF WE HAVE TO BARGAIN YOUR LIFE FOR THEIRS, BUT YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE THIS TERRIBLE BETRAYAL UP TO THEM.” >____>
Ed: *nodnod* D=
Envy: “I WANT THEM.”
Ed and Al: “…What?”
Envy: *eyes glistening with joy* “I want the Antennae Meeps. Give them to me, please.”
Ed: “…Envy said ‘please’.” O___o
Al: “Why, so you can kill them all?”
Envy: “No! I could never kill them!”
Al: “You came here to kill them!”
Envy: “But Fullmetal didn’t tell me that they meep! I love things that meep! I can’t kill something that meeps!” D= “They’re so adorable and I want them.”
Al: “Well these…er…aren’t for sale. I could tell you where to get Antennae Seeds I guess.”
Envy: “YES, TELL ME.” =D
Al: *gives him instructions*
Envy: *skips away past GreedLing and Martel and Dorochet who are still frolicking in the field of wildflowers*
Ed: *tries to sneak away*
Al: *grabs him by the collar* “Not. So. Fast.” D<

[One hour later]

Alfons: “Hey, Al, why is Ed lying in bed looking like someone beat him to a pulp?”
Al: *hosing bloodstains off his white picket fence while the AntennEds play in the water* “I dunno.”

[ Later that day]

Ed: *decides to go outside and try begging Al for forgiveness again*
Zipper: *comes in out of nowhere and attacks Ed again*
Ed: “Arragh! Get off, I’ve already been beaten up enough today! Even I have limits, c’mon!”
Zipper: *spies Al’s yard full of AntennEds* “What the hell are those?!”
Winry: “They’re like Ed clones or something. Al grew them.”
Zipper: D< “MOAR EDS?” *rushes over to attack them and rip off their antennae*
AntennEds: D8 “Meep!!!”
Ed: *springs into action at the sight of antennae in danger and defends them from Zipper’s wrath*
Winry: *gets Zipper to calm down and go home*
Ed: *covered in more bruises now from defending them*
AntennEds: =3 *crowd around Ed and glom onto his legs, meeping happily*
Ed: *shakes them off* “Hey, chill, I was just helping out someone else with an antenna. Don’t think this means I like you.”
AntennEds: =D *meep gleefully and hug him tighter*
Ed: “Alright already! Get off!” *breaks free and runs for his house*
AntennEds: =DD *run after him* “Meep! Meep!” <333



Ed: *drags himself back over to Al’s with the AntennEds all hanging off him*
Al: “Aw, I’m glad to see you’re getting along now.” ^_^
Ed: *shakes them off* “Al, they’re your pets. Entertain them, or train them to stay out of my house!”
AntennEds: *gather around Al, meeping*
Al: “Okay, okay.” *takes them to meet the cats*
Cats: *stare warily*
AntennEds: =D *prod at the cats* “Meep?”
Cats: *scratch*
AntennEds: DDDD8 *run around in circles, meeping in terror, and hide behind the couch for several minutes*
Cats: *go back to sleep*
AntennEds: *venture out and prod at the cats some more* =D?
Cats: *EPIC SCRATCHING MANEUVER* D<
AntennEds: *meep in terror and hide behind the couch again* DDDDD=
Al: “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”

[Later that day]

Ed: *comes back over with Alfons to see Al eating dinner on his porch chair with the AntennEds*
Alfons: “How are the AntennEds?”
Al: “Doing good. I’m narrowing down the foods they like.”
Alfons: *peers inside to see the house is all torn up* “…What happened in there?”
Al: “…I offered them milk.”
AntennEds: D< “MEEP.”
Alfons: “Are you sure they aren’t related to Ed somehow?”
Ed: “Like those little puny things would be related to me.”
Al: “Hey, quiet, they might hear you. They tore half the town apart when Winry called them s-m-a-l-l.”
Ed: “What, they can’t spell?”
Al: “No.”
Ed: “Okay, well, if they’ve got one good attribute, at least they’re all s-m-a-l-l-e-r than me.” *satisfied nod*
One of the AntennEds: *suddenly has a growth spurt and ends up at over five feet*
Ed: *under five feet* “…THAT’S IT.” *pounces*
Alfons: *holds him back to prevent him from strangling the tall one*
Ed: *melts into an angst puddle*
Tall AntennEd: *doesn’t even notice and continues to nom on a bowl of rice*
Other AntennEds: *don’t notice either and continue to nom their own dinner*
Al: “Well it’s nice to see that none of them have height discrimination issues.”
AntennEds: *finish their food and go running off across the yard*
Al: “They become very full of energy after they eat…I think they’re so used to running on sun power that eating human food gives them a huge energy boost.”
Tall AntennEd: *keeps tripping over things and banging his head on low-hanging branches* D=
Alfons: “I don’t think the tall one realizes he’s tall…”
Ed: *mutters* “Ungrateful bastard.”
Al: *reproachfully* “Ed!”
Tall AntennEd: *tries to play with his brothers but keeps falling on them or crashing into Al’s garden* ;___; *curls up in the corner of the yard, meeping sadly*
Other AntennEds: D= *gather around him and go into sympathy!angst mode and curl up beside him, meeping sadly too*
Ed: *attempts to prove he can angst!mode better than they can* “MY LIFE IS A PIT OF BROKEN DREAMS AND FAILURE.”
AntennEds: *meep very slowly and quietly and mournfully, clearly out-angsting Ed*
Ed: ;_; “Maybe if I go and make out with Roy, Riza will just shoot me and get this over with.”

[Meanwhile, that morning, somewhere else]

Envy: *donned in an apron and sunhat and flowery gloves* “La tee da~” *plants Antennae Seeds and stares hopefully at the plot of soil* *runs around in glee when the antennae sprout that afternoon and goes to bed imagining his own flock of AntennEds waiting for him the next day*

[The next day]

Envy: *comes outside to see the antennae that sprouted the day before are all withered and dead-looking* “They…they died…? I KILLED THEM. I’M A TERRIBLE PERSON!!!” ;_______________; *bursts into sobs*
A single antenna: *slowly tries to turn toward the sun*
Envy: “One is still alive!” =D *digs it up and plants it in a small pot* *carries the pot around for the rest of the day, watering it every hour, singing to it, taking it to the fair and on the Ferris wheel with him, and wrapping towels around it before bed in case it gets cold* *sits up and watches it all night*

[Sometime around morning…]

Antenna in the pot: *suddenly uncurls*
Pot: *starts to rattle and crack open*
Envy: *watches worriedly* DDD=
Pot: *cracks open*
AntennEd: *pops up and shakes dirt off* *looks up at Envy* “Meep?”
Envy: =DDDDDDD *swoons* ^_______^ “HE’S SO CUTE. And…really tiny…maybe I planted it in too small of a pot…?”
AntennEd: *only a foot tall* D< *RAAAAAGEEEEE* *attacks Envy*
Envy: *squees* “SO…CUTE…”
AntennEd: *realizes that attacking him isn’t working* “…Meep?”
Envy: *snuggles him* “You’re my AntennEd and I’ll always take care of you and love you forever and ever and we’ll be bestest friends and Imma name you Shrimpy.” =DDD
Shrimpy: “…” =D *meeps happily at his new friend*

[ Meanwhile, back at Ed and Al’s]

Ed: *glances around* “For some reason I sense that in some strange spin-off story fun is being indirectly poked at my less than tall height.”
Al: “You’re so paranoid.”

[Back at Envy’s house]

Envy: “So what do you want to do today, Shrimpy?”
Shrimpy: “Meep!!”
Envy: 8D “That’s a great idea! WE SHOULD BECOME SUPERHEROES!” *runs away to make he and Shrimpy capes*

[Later that day]

Bank robbers: *wave guns* “Okay everybody, hands up! You, open the vault!”
Bank manager: *trembles* D= *starts to unlock the vault*
Envy and Shrimpy: *storm into the room as Envy’s superhero music of choice, Kryptonite, starts playing in the background*
Envy: “You, evildoers! Give up now before I make you!”
Bank robbers: “Who the hell are you?”
Envy: *flips his cape* “Put down the guns or I’ll be forced to use my secret weapon!”
Bank robbers: *exchange amused glances* “And that is…?”
Envy: *holds up Shrimpy*
Shrimpy: “Meep!” =3
Bank robbers: *drop their guns and swoon* “OMG HE’S SO CUTE LOOK AT HIS WIDDLE BOOTS AND FOOFY BANGS AND ANTENNA EEEE~~~”
Envy: “Now promise to never do any evil ever again.”
Bank robbers: *stop swooning and stand up straight and salute* “Yes sir. We’re going to quit our life of crime and become honest, hardworking citizens! Let us go and return all of the money we have stolen in the past to its rightful owners! Thank you, oh superhero and your adorable sidekick!” *march out*
Envy and Shrimpy: =D *skip away together into the sunset*
Bank manager and patrons: “…What the fuck just happened?”

And so Envy and Shrimpy became a crimefighting team, and Envy never did evil ever again because of Shrimpy’s influence, and the day was saved–

Ed: “Uh, hello, narrator person? Have you forgotten who the main characters are?”
Al: “Yeah, seriously, this side story is getting a little long.”
Alfons: “They’re right.”
AntennEds: “Meep!”

Oh, fine. And now back to the other story.

[Back at Ed and Al’s]

Al and Alfons: *sitting on the porch with markers and pins and pieces of paper*
Winry: “Hey guys, what are you doing?”
Al: “I’ve decided we should number the AntennEds. Except for the tall one, they’re impossible to tell apart, so we can’t name them until we’ve given them numbers.”
Winry: “That’s a good idea.”
Alfons: *pins numbers onto a few of the AntennEds*
AntennEds: *prod at their new number tags* =D *start playing with them and end up pricking their fingers* DDDD8 *meep and run around waving their injured hands in the air*
Al: D= *runs after them*
Alfons: “Er…maybe we should make them necklaces instead for their numbers.”
Al: *bandaging their fingers* “Good idea.”
Winry: “Hey…have you noticed they only seem to have pricked their left hands?”
Al: “Yeah, that’s weird…” *takes both gloves off of one to see that the AntennEds have automail*
Winry: 8D *snatches the AntennEd* “That’s so amazing! They grew with automail on them! Can I study them? Please?”
Al: *snatches the AntennEd back* “No, you cannot, they’re not test subjects!”
Winry: *snatches the AntennEd back* “But it’s awesome, automail that didn’t have to be made, it just grew all by itself and it appears to work fine! I want to study it and take it apart and see how it works! Maybe it’s possible to get some Automail Seeds…just imagine how Granny and I could cut costs by simply growing automail for people.” =D
Al: *snatches the AntennEd back* “You’re not going to take apart this poor AntennEd and use him as an experiment!”
AntennEd: *meeps dizzily*
Alfons: *busy making number necklaces and ignoring them*
Winry: *sulks* “Fine.” *stalks away past Ed, who is sulking on he and Alfons’ porch* “Hi Ed…what’s wrong with you?”
Ed: “What’s wrong?! That’s wrong!” *points at Al’s yard* “Alfons is my boyfriend. And yet every day now he’s over there with Al, hanging out with the cats and watching Mythbusters and now playing with the Antennae Meeps, and he never has any time for me. What happened to the nice, stay-at-home nympho that I married?”
Winry: “Um…you guys aren’t married.”
Ed: “WHATEVER. You know what I mean.”
Winry: “Well, maybe you could go hang out with them, ever think of that?”
Ed: >( “No, they’ll just ignore me. The Antennae Meeps are replacing me. They’re cuter than me, they can angst better than me, one of them is taller than me…”
Winry: “I don’t think your ability to angst is what makes Al or Alfons like you–”
Ed: “SHUT UP. YOU LIKE THEM MORE THAN ME TOO.”
Winry: “I do not!”
Ed: “Then why are you hiding one behind your back and smuggling it over to your house?”
AntennEd: *behind Winry* “Meep…?”
Winry: “Shh!” *takes off at a run*
Ed: *goes back to sulking*
Alfons: “Got it! All thirty-five number tags are made. Now I just have to give one to each of them. I guess number one can be the tall one.” *hangs a #1 sign around his neck*
AntennEd #1: *studies his new necklace* “Meep?”
Alfons: “And this one will be number two, and this one number three…”
AntennEd #1: *looks over at AntennEd #3’s necklace, takes off his own, and offers it to #3* “Meep?”
AntennEd #3: “Meep!” =D *gives AntennEd #1 his sign and offers the number three in trade to another one*
Alfons: “And number thirty-five...wait, where’s number thirty-five?” *sees the last AntennEd wandering around the edge of the yard, looking lost* “Ah!” *gives last AntennEd a necklace and starts cleaning up*
Al: “Hey, I thought you said you’d make the tall one number one. Why is he number twelve?”
Alfons: “Huh?” *looks up in time to see number fifteen and number thirty-two swapping necklaces* “Oh damn.”
Al: “No, wait, let them change numbers if they want. It’s not a huge deal since we haven’t started naming them yet.”
Alfons: “I guess so. Alright then, I’m off to the store to choose some baby-name books!” *bops away*
Al: *leaves the AntennEds out in the yard to swap necklaces, never noticing that every now and then the flock dwindles to thirty-four*

[Later that afternoon]

Alfons: *has returned with the books and is now poring over them with Al*
Ed: *still sulking*
Winry: “Ed, you’ve been sulking there all day.”
Ed: “I’m a world class sulker and I can sulk here all night too if I have to.”
Winry: “Seriously, what’s your deal now?”
Ed: *looks pained* “Alfons and I are supposed to name the kids!”
Winry: “Er…”
Ed: “LOOK AT THEM.” *points at Al and Alfons* “Now they’re over there picking names! Like a happy couple! If anyone around here should be picking names it ought to be me and Alfons, we’re actually, y’know, a couple!”
Winry: “Okay, that’s it.” *drags him over to Al’s house by the arm* “Al, Alfons, please include Ed in your blissful domestic scene, because his sulking is driving me crazy.”
Al: “Okay. Here Ed, pick a book and tell me what names you like.”
Alfons: “Um, that might not be such a good idea–”
Ed: =D “Oh, I want to name one Beelzebub!”
Alfons: *facepalm* “I knew it.”
Ed: >_> “What, you wouldn’t let me name one of the molts that because they needed to have girl’s names or something. So why can’t I use it now?”
Al: “Yeah, Beelzebub does kind of have character.” =D
Alfons: “YOU CAN’T NAME ONE OF THEM BEELZEBUB!”
Ed and Al: ;__; “But…”
Alfons: “NO.”
Ed: *sulks some more*
Alfons: “…Actually, how do we know they’re boys?”
Everyone: “…”
Al: “Well, I guess we don’t. We could…check I guess.”
Ed: “Don’t they use the bathroom? You could just see if they leave the seat up.”
Al: “No, they don’t. Apparently they release waste the same way plants do. Their bodies turn it into oxygen and send it into the air through their antennae.”
Alfons: “That makes no scientific sense, you can’t photosynthesize solid food.”
Ed: “You don’t make any scientific sense either, Mr. My Heart Is On The Right.”
Alfons: “…Good point.”
Al: “Well, someone’s going to have to check.”
Ed: “Why don’t you do it? You bred them.”
Al: “I can’t do it! They’re like clones of you, I can’t look down the pants of clones of my brother.”
Alfons: “I’ll do it!” =D
Ed: “YOU WILL NOT.”
Alfons: ;_; “Okay, you do it.”
Ed: “No way. Uh…oh, I know!” *runs away and comes back dragging Winry* “Winry can do it!”
Winry: “…Do what?”
Ed: “Check which gender the Antennae Meeps are.”
Winry: “Why me?!”
Ed: “Because you’re a girl.”
Winry: *taps wrench against her palm threateningly* “And what does that have to do with anything?”
Ed: *scrambles for another reason* “Um…and also because you’ve helped deliver babies before! So…you know…you can deal with this sort of thing.”
Winry: *whacks him over the head and stalks away*
Ed: *rubbing his head* “I think we should just assume they’re all boys.”
AntennEd #17: *is playing with his automail when a pair of scissors suddenly springs out* D8 *tries to hide from his arm* “M-meep?”
Everyone, including the other AntennEds: O.o?
AntennEd #30: *examines #17’s scissors and then prods his own automail* *nothing happens* *looks disappointed and sits down* *suddenly a cheese grater springs out of his automail leg* DDD8 *waves his leg frantically* “Meep!!”
Al: “What the…”
Ed: “…WINRY.”



Winry: *finishes explaining that she’s given each AntennEd a different gadget or ability*
AntennEds: *are all examining their new automail toys* =D
AntennEd #8: *sitting on the ground meeping sadly*
Al: “Hey, what happened, did you forget to give that one an ability?”
Winry: “Oh, no, that one’s actually really cool. I programmed his arm to be really good at Googling.” 8D
Everyone else: “What the fuck is Googling?”
Winry: “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND MY GENIUS.” *storms away*
Ed: “Okay, well, this makes naming them really easy. We’ll name this one Toothbrush, and this one Scissors and this one Google, whatever the hell that is–”
Al: “We are not naming them after their abilities.”
Ed: “I wonder why Winry never gave my automail any kind of cool ability.”
Alfons: “Maybe because you’re always transmuting it.”
Ed: “Ha, good point.” *transmutes his trademark spear out of the ground* “Now there’s something the Antennae Meeps can’t do!”
Al: “Ed, you’re going to fix the hole you just put in my yard, right?”
Ed: *too busy posturing*
AntennEds: *watching curiously* =D *all press their hands together and touch the ground and transmute birdbaths and garden gnomes and statues of bunnies* =DDD “Meep!”
Ed: T_______________T *angst puddles*
Al and Alfons: *stare in awe*
AntennEds: =DDD “Meep, meep!” *run around in glee at their new ability, transmuting everything they touch, including the neighbors’ houses*
Neighbors: *call the police because the AntennEds are too cute to yell at, even if they just transmuted their house into a giant teapot*
Al: *runs after them and lures them back home with home-made Shrimp Snacks (made with real shrimp!)* *has carefully neglected to tell them the name and ingredients of their new favorite snack*
Police: *arrive a half hour later, being led by Roy, who is being watched carefully by Riza*
Alfons: “Oh great, it’s that guy who was in love with Ed.”
Roy: “Fullmetal, I heard there was a disturbance around here and suspected you had something to do with it– what the hell are those?”
AntennEds: *crowd around Roy, meeping and prodding at him*
Roy: *stand there stiffly* “Fullmetal, do you want to explain this?”
Ed: “No, not really.”
Neighbors: “We’re moving, bye!” *drive away*
AntennEds: *pull off Roy’s gloves and poke at them*
Gloves: *fire!*
AntennEds: =D *transmute fire*
Fire: *burns them*
AntennEds: D8 *flail and accidentally set fire to the streets before running and hiding behind Al*
Roy’s butt skirt: *catches on fire*
Roy: D8 *flails around madly*
Riza: *calmly dumps a bucket of water on him*
Roy: *dripping water and with smoking clothes* “I’m…just going to go now.”
Ed, Al, and Alfons: “Okay, bye.”

PART TWO: END

What happens when Ed decides to write a play? Can Roy handle baby-sitting? Will Alfons finally get a romantic vacation alone with his boyfriend? Find out in Part Three!

[PuzzleChick]

Title: Dramaverse Part Three: Cross-dressing Belly Dancers vs. The Aliens in Space (The Musical) Also: When Nudists Attack.
Genre: Crack/Script-style
Rating: PG-13 (see warnings)
Pairings: Ed/Alfons, Greed/Ling, Riza/Roy, and numerous one-sided pairings
Summary: Being cast as a cross-dressing belly dancer was but the first of the pitfalls to plague Alfons Heiderich in his long-suffering quest to spend time with his boyfriend.

*The warnings and spoilers from part one still apply here.
-----------

Al: *goes to the library and sees Ed sitting at the table, writing furiously* “Hi big brother. What’cha doing here?”
Ed: “I can’t concentrate at home with the Antennae Meeps constantly bothering me, so I had to come here to work.” >_> “Why can’t you keep them busy and out of my and Alfons’ house?”
Al: *ignores the AntennEd tirade* “So…what are you working on?”
Ed: *proudly* “I’m writing a play!”
Al: *snorts* “…You’re what now?”
Ed: “Laugh all you want. You won’t be so amused when my play turns out to be the best play ever and wins hundreds of awards and makes me rich!”
Al: *reaches for the paper* “So what’s this play going to be about?”
Ed: *snatches paper away* “NO! You don’t get to see it till it’s finished! I don’t want to spoil the plot!”
Al: “Can I at least know the title?”
Ed: “Cross-dressing Belly Dancers vs. The Aliens in Space (The Musical).”
Al: ._.
Ed: “I know, it’s brilliant! And here’s the best part – I’m going to cast Alfons in it. He’s been so bored lately.”
Al: .__.
Ed: “I know, he doesn’t seem like the actor type, but I bet he won’t be so mad when it makes us our first million dollars! Don’t tell him about the casting though, I want it to be a surprise.”
Al: .___.
Ed: “So anyway, I have a lot of writing to do still. I’ll see you at home later.”
Al: *silently turns around, leaves, and goes home*
Alfons: *at Al’s house babysitting the AntennEds* “Hi Al, did you find that book you wanted?”
Al: “No. I found Ed though.”
Alfons: “What’s he doing at the library?”
Al: “Writing a play.”
Alfons: “Of course he is. Here we have a lovely day that we could spend doing…lovely things–”
Al: *covers his ears* “Gah!”
Alfons: “–And he’s at the library writing a play!” *sulks* “Did he mention what the play is about?”
Al: “…It involves aliens.”

[That night]

Ed: “Guess what Alfons?”
Alfons: “What?”
Ed: “Well, as I’m sure Al told you, I was writing a play today…”
Alfons: “So I heard.”
Ed: “And I’ve cast you in one of the roles!”
Alfons: “…Is it opposite you? In a romance scene perhaps?” ;3
Ed: “No silly, I can’t be in the play, I’m the writer. Besides, why would I write a crummy romance play? This one is MUCH more awesome.” *bops away*
Alfons: T_T “He really can’t take a hint, can he?”

[At the final play rehearsal a few weeks later]

Aflons: *just got off stage with other dancers, where they were all dancing awkwardly* “Um, Edward, the first performance is tomorrow. Will our costumes even be here in time? And are we ever going to get any actual lines for this play, aside from making alien gun sound effects? Because you really should tell us soon…”
Ed: “All you need are sound effects! The dancing will tell the whole story.”
Alfons: “I’m not really sure that’s going to work.”
Ed: >.> “Why not?”
Alfons: “Well, people aren’t going to know what the play is about if nobody ever talks…”
Ed: “But the aliens don’t speak Amestrian, so I can’t have them talk.”
Alfons: “But maybe the people on our side could?”
Ed: “Why? There’s no reason to talk, there’s a war going on! And you certainly won’t be communicating with the aliens.”
Alfons: “I…I guess that makes sense…” *spies someone over Ed’s shoulder* *jaw drops* “Envy! What are you doing here?!”
Envy: “Fullmetal invited me to be in his play.”
Shrimpy: “Meep!”
Envy: “Oh that’s right, you guys have never met Shrimpy.” *beams and holds him up proudly* “Isn’t he adorable??”
Ed: “What did you name him? And why the hell is he so short?!”
Envy: ._. “It’s a nice name! And don’t call him short!”
Shrimpy: “Meep!” D<
Ed: “Well he’s not coming to the show. There will be no Antennae Meeps at my play.”
Envy: D= “But…what will I do with him?”
Ed: “Leave him at Al’s. We’re getting someone to babysit the rest of the flock.”
Envy: “Who’s babysitting them?”
Ed: “Roy and Riza.”
Envy: “How the fuck did you manage that?”
Ed: “…I don’t really know.”

[Meanwhile, at Al’s house]

AntennEds: “Meep! Meep!”
Roy: *shoves more Shrimp Snacks at them as he runs around the house to get away from them*
Riza: *quietly cleaning her gun at the table*
AntennEds: *ignore the Snacks and continue following Roy around* “Meep! Meeeeeep!” =D
Roy: *cornered as they glom onto his legs* “I don’t understand, what do you want?!”
Riza: “I think they want to play, sir.”
Roy: “What the hell kind of game am I supposed to play with them?”
AntennEd # 23: *manages to climb up onto Roy’s back and grabs his hair, ruining his perfectly combed style* “Meep!”
Roy: ;_; “Well at least they don’t weigh much.”
Riza: “Ah, perhaps you could give them piggyback rides, sir.”
Roy: D| “Why me? Why not you?”
Riza: *holds up gun*
Roy: “…Right.” T_T *begins jogging around the living room, the rest of the AntennEds following*

[Back at the rehearsal]

Alfons: “Ed, Envy came to kill the AntennEds, why would you invite him to be in the play?”
Envy: “Hello, is there anyone better cast to be in a play about cross-dressing belly dancers? Check out these abs!”
Alfons: *glances at Envy’s midriff* “I guess not. Wait. Did you say cross-dressing belly dancers?!”
Envy: *prances away with Shrimpy*
Ed: *tries to sneak away*
Alfons: “EDWARD.”
Ed: “What?”
Alfons: “CROSS-DRESSING BELLY DANCERS?!”
Ed: “I thought it would be festive.”
Alfons: >________>
Ed: “What?! What did I do?!”
Al: *leaves before he starts laughing too noticeably over his brother’s stupidity*
Ed: *still trying to salvage the situation* “Alfons, wait, you haven’t seen the costume I designed for you yet!”
Delivery truck: *pulls up*
Delivery guy: *delivers costumes*
Ed: “Great, and here it is now!” *holds up a purple, fringed, sparkly belly-dancing outfit*
Alfons: “…”
Ed: =D…?
Alfons: “No.”
Ed: *instant face crumple* “But…you’re the main character, the play can’t go on without you!”
Alfons: “Alright then.” *turns and starts waving at the other actors* “Everyone go home, the play’s not happening!”
Ed: ;_; “But…but…!”
Al: *runs back* “Wait, Alfons, don’t!”
Alfons: “Why not?”
Al: “If the play fails and doesn’t go on, we’ll have to listen to him angst about it for the next several months.”
Alfons: *muttering to himself* “So if the play fails it’ll be months before I get laid again…”
Al: “Er.”
Alfons: “ NEVER MIND EVERYONE, the play’s back on!”
Ed: *bops up* =D *holds out costume*
Alfons: >_> “We aren’t done talking about this.”

[That night at Ed and Alfons’ house]

Ed and Alfons: *eating dinner in silence, until…*
Alfons: “…For God’s sake, WHY cast me as a cross-dressing belly dancer? Couldn’t I have been one of the aliens?”
Ed: *mumbles something*
Alfons: “Huh?”
Ed: “I um…wanted to see you in the outfit.”
Alfons: “You wanted to see me cross-dress?”
Ed: “Yes.”
Alfons: *throws plate of food at him*
Ed: *covered in potatoes* “What the hell was that for?!”
Alfons: “You wanted to see me cross-dress!”
Ed: “So what?!”
Alfons: “So, I don’t cross-dress! I’m a man!”
Ed: “But you’ve got such girly hips.”
Alfons: D< *throws glass of milk*
Ed: DDDD= “IT BURNS.”
Alfons: “THAT’S WHAT YOU DESERVE.”
Ed: *gets up and throws his hair back* “So I guess all that talk about honesty with each other was just a LIE then, HUH?”
Alfons: “I guess it was! Maybe everything was a lie!”
Ed: “Maybe!” *storms out*

[The next morning, just before the play is to start]

Al: *comes to the play, followed by Winry* “Hey, Alfons, where’s Ed?”
Alfons: “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”

[Meanwhile, at a 24-hour bar in Central, where Ed took a taxi to the night before]

Ed: *on the karaoke stage, crooning into microphone, with a chocolate soy (not milk!) shake in one hand* “And IIIIIIIII-IIII will always love YOUUUUUUUUU, IIIIIII will aaaaaalwaaaaayysss love youuuuuuuuuuu…” *starts sniffling* “I h-hope life…t-treats you…k-kind…and I hooooope you have…all y-you…dream oooo-oof…” *bursts into sobs and begins clinging to the mic stand*
Patrons: *too drunk to care*
Random fangirl: “TAKE IT OFF!” /o/
Bouncer: *goes to get Ed off the stage*

[Back at the play]

Al: “Had a fight, huh?”
Alfons: “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Winry: *just stands there staring at Alfons in his belly dancing outfit* o_o…
Al: “Oh…okay, we’ll just go find our seats I guess.”
Envy: *goes flouncing by in his own costume, a dark green belly-dancing outfit, Shrimpy in one hand* “Oh, Al, Winry, will you keep an eye on Shrimpy for me during the play?”
Al: “Didn’t Ed say no AntennEds were allowed?”
Envy: “Like I care?”
Al: “Right, sorry. Sure, he can sit with us.”
Al, Winry, and Shrimpy: *go find seats*
Winry: “What about the rest of the AntennEds?”
Al: “Roy and Riza are looking after them. Riza told me that Roy had such a good time yesterday and he couldn’t wait to help babysit again.”

[At Al’s house]

Roy: “Lieutenant, how did we get roped into this for the second time?”
Riza: “Al strong-armed me into agreeing.” *pauses* “Sir, where are your gloves?”
Roy: “Oh, don’t worry, I hid them well.”
AntennEds: *come running into the room with Roy’s gloves*
Riza: “…You hid them in a drawer in the kitchen, didn’t you?”
Roy: “I didn’t think they’d be smart enough to find them!”
AntennEds: *make fire* =D
Fire: *catches onto Roy’s buttskirt yet again*
Riza: *calmly sprays him with the sink hose*
Roy: -_- “Well at least that’s taken care of.” *takes his gloves back* “You annoying little monsters.”
AntennEds: D’= “Meep?” *curl into angst balls*
Roy: ;~; “Um…I didn’t really mean it that way…”
AntennEds: *synchronized angst mode* “Meep…”
Roy: *flails* “Um…um…I know! Who wants a piggyback ride?”
AntennEds: =D “Meep!”
Riza: “…Do you smell smoke, sir?”
Roy: “Of course, I was just on fire.”
Riza: “No, I mean from the other room?”
Roy: “Uh…how long do you suppose they were running around with my gloves before we saw them?”
House: *on fire!*
Door: *blocked by fire!*
Roy: “HOLY FUCK WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE I’M NOT READY TO DIE THINK OF ALL THE EPISODES OF MYTHBUSTERS I HAVEN’T WATCHED AND ALL THE CHURROS I HAVEN’T EATEN AND ALL THE THINGS I NEVER TOLD RIZA AND–” *runs around in circles*
AntennEds: “Meep?” =D *run around in circles with him*
Riza: *sighs and picks up the phone*

[At the play]

Al: “Yep, I think this baby-sitting arrangement is going to work out great.”
Alfons: *waiting backstage*
Envy: “So, Alfons, excited for the play? And these outfits! I hope we get to keep them, I look too damn good to give it up.”
Alfons: *looks at mirror* “Um…yeah…I guess they’re not bad? I mean…I actually do look kinda good.” *more sadly* “Ed won’t be here to see though. I miss him, Envy. We had this horrible fight–”
Envy: “Yeah, that sucks. Ooh, doughnuts!” *skips over to the pastry table*
Alfons: ;_; “Shimmery belly-dancing outfit, you’re my only friend.”

[Meanwhile, back at the bar]

Ed: *drains his glass and slams it on the counter* “Hit me with another one, barkeep!”
Bartender: “This is your fifteenth chocolate shake, I think you’ve had enough.”
Ed: “NO SIR, I AM PERFECTLY FINE.”
Bartender: “Yeah, you’ve had enough. Go home and sleep off the sugar high.”
Ed: “I have no home to return to.” *bursts into tears again*
Bartender: “…” *brings him another shake*
Ed: *checks the clock, sniffling* “My play begins in fifteen minutes. I guess it’ll go on without me. And Alfons will just hate me forever if I don’t apologize. I’ve lost my artistic integrity and my boyfriend, all in one day…”
Patron: “Dude, quit talking to yourself! If it’s that important, go already!”
Other patrons: “Yeah!”
Ed: “You know what random guy? YOU’RE RIGHT!”
Bartender: “Uh, you didn’t pay your bill–”
Ed: *runs outside, jumps in a car, hotwires it, and roars away”
Bartender: “…And you stole my car.” D<
Ed: *racing down the highway, passing cars, leaning on the horn, transmuting the road to drive under it, and giving other drivers the finger* “LEARN TO DRIVE OR GET OFF THE ROAD, BITCH. YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, YOU JUST GET IN THE OTHER LANE, I’M DRIVING OVER HERE!”
Police: *over loudspeaker* “Pull over!”
Ed: “NO! I AM EDWARD FUCKING ELRIC AND I WILL NOT MISS SEEING MY BOYFRIEND IN MY PLAY.”
Police: “Oh. Okay then.” *pull over to look up his address*

[Back at the play]

Alfons: *dancing in the play*
Random neighbors who came because of a flier they got in their mailboxes about how the BEST PLAY EVER was taking place this day: *stare blankly*
Winry: “So um…Ed wrote this? This came from his mind?”
Al: “I try not to think about it.”
Ed: *comes skidding in to a stop in his stolen car, kicking up dust*
Actors: *continue to act as best they can while coughing*
Ed: *jumps out of the car and runs to the stage*
Alfons: *freezes* “Ed?”
Ed: “Alfons! I love you!!”
Alfons: =’D “I love you too!!” *jumps down to glomp him*
Crowd: “…THIS PLAY IS HORRIBLE. BOOOOOO.”
Ed: “Hey…they’re booing my play!” D<
Alfons: *remembers that he won’t get any for months if Eds’s play fails* “No, they’re not, they just don’t understand your brilliance!”
Earth’s First B-Movie Producer: *in the crowd* “This is brilliant! I’VE DISCOVERED MY DESTINY!”
Random Gate Baby: “O hai I’m nomming you now.” *noms*
Earth’s First B-Movie Producer: *appears on Earth* “That was weird. NOW, TO FOLLOW MY DESTINY!” =D
Crowd: *still booing and throwing cups*
Al, Winry, and Shrimpy: *have come over to the stage where Alfons is consoling Ed*
Envy: *walks over* “Oh guys, Riza just called, there’s a fire at Al’s house.”
Al: D8 “MY CABBAGES!”
Ed: “Not to worry my brother, we shall save them!” *runs toward the car*
Winry: *stops him* “I’m driving.”

[Three minutes later]

Al: “GO FASTER WINRY, WE HAVE TO SAVE MY GARDEN!”
Alfons: *sulking because Ed is no longer paying attention to him, but secretly admiring himself in the side-view mirror*
Ed: *pouting over how his play got booed, but admiring Alfons every few minutes anyway*
Winry: *pulls up at Al’s house, already surrounded by fire trucks*
Alfons: “Okay, I’ll get the hose from our house–”
Everyone: *stares at Alfons* >.>
Alfons: *realizes what he’s still wearing* “Um, it was Ed’s idea.”
Everyone: “…Kinky.”
Ed and Alfons: *blush*
Al: “Hello, my house is burning down with Roy and Riza and the AntennEds all trapped inside, does anyone else care?”



Al’s house: *totally burnt down*
Vegetable garden: *saved!*
Roy, Riza, and the AntennEds: *also saved*
Al’s cats: *were smart enough to leave the house the moment Roy and Riza showed up*
Al: *sitting in his vegetable garden with the AntennEds and his cats* “Well at least I saved what mattered.” <333
Alfons: *pouting*
Ed: D= “What’s wrong now Alfons?”
Alfons: “Nothing.”
Ed: DDDD= “No, something’s wrong, AND I MUST FIX IT, I AM EDWARD ELRIC AND I MUST FIX WHATEVER IS WRONG RIGHT NOW.”
Alfons: “Well…if you come home with me, I guess I could tell you how to make things right.” ;3
Ed: “Okay!”
Police: *pull up* “Edward Elric, you are under arrest!”
Everyone: *looks at Ed*
Ed: “Um…so this morning I might have broken a few driving laws. And borrowed a car. And didn’t pay for sixteen chocolate shakes.”
Alfons: DDDDDD< *runs over and stands between Ed and the police* “I’M FINALLY ABOUT TO GET LAID YOU FUCKERS, YOU’RE NOT TAKING HIM.”
Police: *decide that they’ll just pay for the damages themselves, it’s not worth fighting with a cross-dressing belly dancer over, and leave*
Alfons: *grabs Ed and drags him toward their house*
GreedLing: *walks up* “Hey everyone!”
Ed: “GreedLing, what are you doing here?”
GreedLing: *beams* “We’re getting married!”
Alfons: “YOU ARE NOT, HE’S MINE.” *drags Ed faster toward their house*
GreedLing: “No dumbass. We’re getting married. Ling and me. And we’re having the wedding and reception right now in the field of wildflowers where we first confessed our love, and you’re all invited!”
Ed: *escapes from Alfons* “We’re invited to a party?” =D “Cool!”
Alfons: *goes to find a corner to mourn all his hopes and dreams in*
Random piano player: *starts playing background music once everyone is seated at the wedding*
Minister: “Alright, so where’s the happy couple? Let’s get started.” =D
GreedLing: “Right here!”
Minister: “Um…no, I’m sorry, where’s your partner?”
GreedLing: “He’s right here.”
Minister: *looks at Alfons*
Alfons: *still in his belly-dancing outfit* “No, not me!”
Winry: “Why are you still wearing that anyway?”
Alfons: “…It makes me feel pretty?” =3
GreedLing: “No, no, here.” *points at himself*
Minister: “Um…”
GreedLing: “What?”
Minister: “It’s just that I can’t marry one person to himself. Your partner has to be present. I was told that Greed and Ling were the intended…”
Greed: “Yes, I’m Greed, and Ling IS here! Inside me!”
Ling: “Yeah, I’m here!”
Minister: *thinking to himself* “Oh no, the poor man, his partner must have been lost in some terrible accident that has caused him to lose his grasp on reality.” D’= *makes a motion to tell the piano player to stop, then reaches out and pats GreedLing’s shoulder* “There, there. I understand, I’m sure that Ling will always be alive inside your heart, that’s the most important thing.”
Greed and Ling: ???
Everyone watching: ???
Minister: *pulls up some chairs and has GreedLing sit down* “There you go, just sit down and relax. How long ago did it happen?”
GreedLing: “Um…”
Minister: *pulls out tissues* “And there’s no shame in crying, son, he would understand. You’ve just got to let those emotions out, that’s the only way you can begin to heal. Now tell me about Ling.”
Greed: “Well, we met under abrupt circumstances…we didn’t get along at first, but after we did I just knew he was the one for me. He was so fiery and perfect…”
Ling: *via their mind link* *wibbles* ;~; “Awww, you’re definitely the one for me, too~” <333
Greed: *sniffling* “I j-just love him so much and I was so afraid he might choose Ed over me way back when I first confessed to h-him so I was just so happy when he said yes...”
Minister: *nodding kindly* “There, there, just let it out, it’s okay.”
Audience: “…”
Alfons: “So uh, can Ed and I go home yet?”
Al: *gets up and sets the minister straight on who Greed and Ling are so that the actual wedding can commence*
Minister: *upon finishing the service* “You may now kiss the groom.”
Greed and Ling: *kiss in their minds*
Audience: *cheers*
GreedLing: *happily go scampering away to frolic in the wildflowers* <333
Other sins except Envy: “WTF Greed?”
Envy: *sobbing into a handkerchief* “It’s just so b-beautiful…”
Shrimpy: D= *pats his arm*
Gluttony: “Well at least the reception has good food.” *noms the table*
Lust: “That reminds me, where’s Father? I figured he’d want to come to the wedding of his youngest.”
Wrath: “Oh, he said he had something important to do. He sent a nice card though.”

[In Father’s Secret Lair]

Father: *watching Mythbusters on ANACHRONISM-VISION TV* “OMG, this is gonna look so cool on the high speed! Come on, show the explosion…NO, NOT A COMMERCIAL. FATHER WANTS BIG BOOM.” D=

[Back at the reception]

Lust: “He’s watching a Mythbusters Marathon? WITHOUT US?”
All the sins, other than Greed: *rush back to their Secret Lair* “DID WE MISS THE PIRATE SPECIAL? PLEASE SAY WE DIDN’T MISS THE PIRATE SPECIAL.”
Father: “It’s just starting right now!” =D
Sins and Father: *all gather around to watch and throw popcorn at the screen during commercials and fanboy over Kari, except Lust and Envy, who fangirl over Grant*

[Still at the reception…]

Alfons: *slightly mollified since he gets to dance with Ed* “So Ed, what are you going to do about your brother’s house?”
Ed: “We’ll just rebuild it with alchemy. Watch!” *rebuilds house*
Al: *attempts to usher the AntennEds inside*
AntennEds: D8 “Meep!” *refuse to go inside*
Al: “I guess they were traumatized by the fire. Well…there is that really nice place for sale in Central. I could always buy it with the insurance money. It would be nice to have a bigger place for the AntennEds. And a bigger yard for my garden!”
Ed: “Yeah, and then we can come visit!” =D
Al: “Oh, well, I suppose…” *was rather hoping to not have people mooching food off him so often*
Winry: “Ooh, a house in Central, huh? I’ve been thinking of opening an automail shop there. And I can use your house here as a storage shed!”
Al: “Sure, why not, I’m not using it.”
Winry: “And Ed, I can always store any overstock in your house, right? Just a little corner of your extra room, I can’t imagine there will be much that wouldn’t fit in Al’s house.”
Ed and Alfons: “Um…”

[One week later]

Doorbell to Al’s new house: “Ding-dong.”
Al: *opens the door* “Big brother? Alfons? What are you doing here?”
Ed: “Winry has filled our entire house with automail parts.” T_T “Can we move in?”
Al: *curses his brotherly sympathy* “Sure I guess…”
Ed: “Cool, thanks!” *immediately dumps his stuff everywhere, ruining Al’s Feng Shui*
Al: D8

[While all this is happening…]

Roy: *buys AntennRoy seeds off a questionable website* “I’ll show Fullmetal and his brother…I’ll grow my own flock of annoying tiny creatures and then I’ll make him babysit them! I’ll show them all!” >D
AntennRoys: *don’t even sprout, much less survive, because Roys do not have Antennae and in fact Roy was sold BOOTLEG AntennRoy seeds*
Roy: DDD= *angst meltdown* *runs away to Siberia Drachma to emo*

[Back at Al’s house]

Al: *walks into the kitchen one day* “OH MY GOD.”
Ed and Alfons: *making out shirtless on the table*
Al: O___O “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WE EAT OFF THAT TABLE!”
Ed: “Oh don’t worry, we always clean it off.”
Al: “YOU’VE DONE THIS BEFORE?” DDD8
Ed and Alfons: “…No.”
Al: “…If I ever catch you making out on the table again, I am going to make you scrub the whole kitchen from top to bottom, got it?” D<
Ed and Alfons: *cower* ;_; “Yes sir.”

[The next day]

Ed and Alfons: *making out shirtless on the table again*
Ed: *accidentally pushes a vase off*
Vase: *smashes on the floor*
Ed: o_o
Alfons: “Was that…”
Ed: D8 “OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT.”
Alfons: o___o “…That was Al’s priceless vase, wasn’t it?”
Ed: DDDD8 “IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!”
Alfons: DD8 “He’s going to kill us for this!”
Ed and Alfons: *run around the kitchen panicking shirtlessly* DDD8

[Fifteen minutes later]

Ed: “…Wait. I’m an alchemist.”
Alfons: =D
Ed: *fixes the vase* /o/
Alfons: /o/
Ed and Alfons: *link arms and skip around the kitchen in victory*
Al: *walks in* ._.
Ed and Alfons: *freeze* “Er.”
Al: “...I didn’t see that.”
Ed and Alfons: “Yeah, you definitely didn’t.” *nodnod*
Al: “Right. Anyway, I was looking for you to tell you one of us has to go to the store. And because I just spent all my money on the mortgage, one of you is going to have to pay.”
Ed: “What do we need?”
Al: “We’re out of the essentials, including milk and–”
Ed: >_> “I REFUSE. If I don’t use it, I shouldn’t have to buy it!”
Al: “I’m not asking you to drink it.”
Ed: “NO.”
Alfons: “Fine, I’ll go.”
Ed: “Wait, I wanna go too!” D=
Al: *facepalm*
Doorbell: “Ding-dong.”
Al: *answers the door*
Winry: “Hi Al!”
Al: “Hello…”
Winry: “So guess what? I got my stop here in town! Isn’t that great?”
Al: “Oh, yeah, that’s wonderful Winry! Congratulations!” =D
Winry: “Thanks! So I’m moving in now.”
Al: “…Wait, what?”
Winry: “I’m moving in. I need to be nearby the shop and I can’t afford my own house yet. I called Ed earlier and asked him, he said it was fine.”
Al: >_> “EDWARD.”
Ed: “Ohh, right…didn’t I tell you?”
Al: *silently wonders how long the jail term for fratricide would be*
Winry: *moves in* O.o “This place is a mess! How do you guys live?! I’m going to have to clean everything. And get me your laundry, I have to do a load and might as well wash your stuff too. And then I’ll go to the store and pick some things up. Who wants pie for dessert?”
Ed, Al, and Alfons: =3 “Well, maybe it’ll be nice to have a girl around the house after all…”

[The next day]

Alfons: *walks into the bathroom* *shrieks*
Ed, Al, and Winry: *come running* “What is it?!”
Alfons: DDDD8 *points at the bras draped over the shower rod*
Ed and Al: *stare in horror*
Winry: *collecting them* “Oh, yeah, I washed them last night, and I heard it was going to rain so I left them to dry in here.”
Ed: *backing away* “Um, Winry, maybe you should dry them in your own room…what’s this?” *picks up a box sitting on the side of the sink, which he almost knocked over with his elbow* “Tamp…ARRAGGH!” *throws the box across the room*
Al and Alfons: DDD8 *flee from the shower of tampons*
Winry: “What the hell was that for?!”
Ed: “Why would you leave those sitting out?!”
Winry: “Because, I need them! You guys have no idea what it’s like, bleeding out your vag every month–”
Ed, Al, and Alfons: DDDDD||| *cover their ears and hum loudly*
Winry: *snorts* “Boys, you’re so immature. I suppose you’re going to freak out when I tell you I washed my bras in the same load I washed your shirts, too?”
Ed, Al, and Alfons: *all look down at their freshly-washed shirts* .___. *yank their shirts off and go scrambling for old ones off their closet floors* “GIRLS ARE FUCKING EVIL. EVIL!”

[Meanwhile, back in Drachma]

Roy: *still emo-ing*
Riza: *arrives with a tractor and dumps a mountain of paperwork on him* “These need your attention, sir.”
Roy: “Can’t you see I’m angsting up here?!”
Riza: “Yes sir. However if you don’t get your ass back to Central and complete your paperwork I’m going to call every girl you ever dated and tell them that you have a terrible STD you did not tell them about, sir.”
Roy: “…How soon did you want me back in the office then?”

[Within a week of Winry moving in]

Al: *spends all his time in his vegetable garden*
Alfons: *on the verge of a nervous breakdown and is washing his hands after touching anything Winry might have touched*
Ed: *finally approaches Winry* “Um, can we talk?”
Winry: *stuffing chocolates in her mouth while watching Lifetime movies* “What about?”
Ed: “I was just wondering if you could tone it down around Alfons? The poor guy’s about to collapse from nervousness. If he hears one more thing about bras or, um…that time of the month…”
Winry: >( “HE’S about to collapse? I suppose he’s never had to deal with PMS and cramps before, has he?! Tell him that he can be my guest and switch bodies with me if he wants, because he’d damn well better experience the bloating and the clotting and the leakage and all this other shit before he can say anything to me!” *throws chocolates at him*
Ed: *thoroughly traumatized* “…I need a vacation. Wait…that’s it! A vacation is just what Alfons and I need!” =D *runs back to their room* “Alfons, guess what?”
Alfons: “What?”
Ed: “We’re going on a beach vacation!”
Alfons: “Together? Just the two of us? In a hotel?”
Ed: “Yes!”
Alfons: *gets down on his knees and weeps* “THANK YOU LAWD AMIGHTY.”
Ed: *looking over a Creta Travel Guide* “What do you think of this hotel? It has a private beach and everything.”
Alfons: “No way, it’s too expensive! Let’s just go to a regular hotel.”
Ed: “But we have the money–”
Alfons: “SERIOUSLY, ANY HOTEL WILL DO.”
Ed: “Oh. Okay. Um…how about this one? It’s right by a public beach.”
Alfons: “What’s that big hotel next to it? Bare Essentials II?”
Ed: “That’s some fancy private property, not important. I’ll make the reservations, you start packing!”

[Two days later, bright and early]

*after a very long overnight car trip*
Ed: *bounds out of the car* =DD “We’re here!!”
Alfons: *getting out with all the luggage* “Um, Ed, can you help?”
Ed: “Look Alfons, the beach!” =D
Alfons: *looks* “Yeah, I see– OH GOD.”
Ed: “What??”
Alfons: “Look at those girls!” *points at two girls in shorts and spaghetti straps while shielding his eyes* “HOW CAN THEY WALK AROUND IN PUBLIC LIKE THAT?!”
Ed: “They’re just wearing beach clothes.”
Alfons: “But…but…YOU CAN SEE THEIR LEGS. THEIR LEGS!”
Ed: “…Um.”
Alfons: *dares to look up again*
Random girl in a bikini: *walks by*
Alfons: DDDD8 *hides face again* “GOOD GOD SHE HAS HER MIDRIFF SHOWING. AND CLEAVAGE! THAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!!”
Ed: “Let’s just get you up to the hotel room.”
Alfons: *recovers instantly* “Okay!” *thinking* “Well it doesn’t matter what the people out here are wearing, Ed will just keep me busy all week in the hotel room anyway.” <33

[Ten minutes later, after putting down their bags]

Ed: *charging out the bathroom in swim trunks and a shirt* =DD “Okay, let’s go to the beach!”
Alfons: “What?”
Ed: “What should we do first? Build a sandcastle? Look for shells? Go swimming? Ooh, how about vendor food? Beach vendors have the best food.”
Alfons: “…You actually planned to go to the beach on this trip?”
Ed: “Yes, why?”
Alfons: T_T “No reason.”
Ed: “Okay, let’s go then!” *grabs beach bag and drags him out of the room*
Alfons: *sitting on their blanket, covering his eyes with his hands* “Okay, so what do you want to do?”
Ed: “I guess we should put sunscreen on first. You’re going to have to open your eyes for that.”
Alfons: *opens eyes* *sees an all-girl beach-volleyball tournament going on* “…” *closes eyes again* “No, I don’t think so.”
Ed: “Okay, I’ll put sunscreen on you first, how’s that?” *starts putting it on him, rubbing it in gently, including moving Alfons’ hands to do his face*
Alfons: *eyes still closed* “What about my lips, can those get sunburnt?”
Ed: “This sunscreen isn’t meant for lips. I guess I’ll just have to protect those myself~” <3 *kisses him*
Alfons: *opens his eyes just enough to meet Ed’s and smiles* *kisses him back* “I love you, Ed.” <3
Ed: “I love you too Alfons.” <3
Alfons: *takes sunscreen* “Okay, let me do your back now. I promise I’ll get every spot~”
Ice cream truck: *drives by*
Ed: =D “ICE CREAM!” *runs after it*

[Another ten minutes later…]

Ed: *enjoying an ice cream cone and the ocean view*
Alfons: *also eating an ice cream cone, though he has to stare only at it lest he accidentally see a midriff*
Ed: *sees a boat in the distance* “Look Alfons, a ship! Just like the one we went to America on, remember?”
Alfons: “What?”
Ed: *swings arm up to point, and knocks his ice cream cone out of his other hand*
Ice cream cone: *falls in the sand*
Ed: ;~;
Alfons: >.>...
Ed: *wells up in tears* “M-my…my ice cream…” DDD’=
Alfons: D=
Ed: *giant wibbly gold eyes and lower lip tremble*
Alfons: *flails* DDD= *holds out his cone* “Here, we can share mine.”
Ed: “…Really?”
Alfons: “Of course!”
Ed: “No, I can’t take yours! It’s my fault that I dropped mine, I’ll just get a new one.”
Alfons: “No, I insist! Look, mine is melting anyway, we need to eat it now.”
Ed: “Well…okay. If you insist~”
Alfons: “I do~”
Ed and Alfons: *quiet fluffy ice cream sharing moment~* <333
Seagulls: *suddenly swoop down and attack the fallen ice cream, ruining the peace*
Herd of small obnoxious tourist kids: *run by, sending sand flying directly onto Ed and Alfons and the ice cream cone*
Ed and Alfons: “…”



Alfons: “Hey, Ed?”
Ed: “Hmn?”
Alfons: “What do you suppose is on the other side of that fence down there?”
Ed: “I bet that’s the private beach for that private hotel.”
Alfons: “Oh. I wonder why they blocked it off with a privacy fence. That seems kind of extreme, it’s just part of the same beach.”
Ed: *jumps up* “Let’s go find out!”
Alfons: “Wait, Ed, it’s private property, we can’t go over there!”
Ed: “Yes we can!” *grabs Alfons and drags him down the beach and around the privacy fence*
Nudists: *all look over at the intruders*
Ed: “…”
Alfons: O_______O “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ON A ROCKETSHIP, MY EYES!!”
Nudists: “…”
Alfons: *hiding his eyes again* “THIS IS WRONG! WRONG! YOU SCANDALOUS DEGENERATES!”
Nudists: >( “Hey, now wait a second.”
Alfons: “HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE WALK AROUND LIKE THIS? HOW?!”
Nudists: “The human form is nothing to mock!”
Alfons: “HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!”
Nudists: DD<
Ed: “Uh, Alfons, we should go.”
Alfons: “SCANDALOUS!”
Random female nudist: *marches over* “Stop being so close-minded, the human body is beautiful and is nothing to be ashamed of!”
Alfons: *looks*
Boobs: *free in the breeze~*
Alfons: DDD8 “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!”
Female nudist: “You bastard!” D<
Ed: *grabs Alfons and runs*
Female nudist: D< *chases them onto the regular beach*
Regular non-nudist beach-goers: O_o
Ed: *finally stops and turns to face the nudist*
Female nudist: >___>
Alfons: *hiding his face*
Ed: “Um, ma’am, please excuse him okay?”
Female nudist: “Why?! He insinuated there was something wrong with us freely showing our bodies and insulted my breasts!”
Ed: “Yeah, but um…see, when he was a child a female nudist on a motorcycle ran over his dog, and he was horribly traumatized and has flashbacks sometimes and that’s what happened.”
Alfons: “…”
Female nudist: “…”
Ed: “Really, it’s true.”
Female nudist: “Oh. Okay, I’m sorry about this. I didn’t know.”
Ed: “It’s okay, right Alfons?”
Alfons: *nods, eyes still closed*
Female nudist: “Alright then.” *leaves*
Alfons: .__. “…”
Ed: “…?”
Alfons: “…A nudist ran over my dog?”
Ed: >.> “What?!”
Alfons: “What the hell kind of story is that?!”
Ed: “Well if you wanted a better story you should have come up with one yourself!”
Alfons: “Yeah, but…where do you come up with something like that? And WHY?”
Ed: “I got her to go away didn’t I?”
Alfons: “That’s true.”
Ice cream truck: *drives by again*
Ed: =D “ICE CREAM!” *runs after it again*

[Later that afternoon, while eating a late lunch at a restaurant on a pier, overlooking a harbor]

Kimblee: “Y HELLO THAR.” =D *starts blowing up sailboats in the harbor, because he can* “MWAHAHAHAH~”
Diners: D8
Alfons: “Hey, isn’t he the guy who came to blow up the AntennEds but was unable to?”
Ed: D< “KIMBLEE. I thought you died!”
Kimblee: “Pfft, who actually stays dead in this series?”
Hughes: >_> *still up in heaven* “Have I mentioned how much I hate you all lately?”
Kimblee: *gleefully blows up more sailboats*
Ed: *tears off all his clothes down to his boxers, sprints in slow-motion to the edge of the dock, dives off, and starts swimming out to the boats*
Alfons: O_o ???
Diners: ???
Heavy automail: *causes Ed to get stuck in the mud on a flat*
Ed: *flails*
Kimblee: >DDD *asplodes more boats*
Ed: *drags himself to his feet, automail caked in mud* “THE ONLY LIMITATIONS I HAVE ARE THOSE WHICH I HAVE PLACED ON MYSELF!”
Diners: *start applauding*
Kimblee: “…Wait, what?”
Ed: *holds up a bag of Cheetoes*
Alfons: “Hey, those are mine!”
Kimblee: *snerk* “What are you going to do with those?”
Ed: *opens the bag and throws a handful of Cheetoes at Kimblee*
Kimblee: *is suddenly assaulted by a massive flock of seagulls*
Kimblee: DDDD8 “ARRRAGH, NO, NOT SEAGULLS! GET THEM AWAY FROM MEEEEE!” *flails* *falls off the boat and into the water AND THE DAY IS SAVED*
Diners: /o/ *cheer*
Ed: =D *bows*
Alfons: “You’d better buy me more Cheetoes.” >_>

[That night, after the very, very long day in the sun]

Ed: “I’M DYING.”
Alfons: “I doubt that.”
Ed: *in a ball of sunburnt misery* “WHY DID YOU LET ME FORGET TO PUT SUNSCREEN ON?!”
Alfons: “Um, you were the one who ran after the ice cream truck…”
Ed: “STOP MOCKING MY PAIN.”
Alfons: “I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
Ed: “DYING. I’M DYINGGGG!”
Alfons: “…I’ll get the aloe vera, since I’m clearly not going to be getting anything else tonight.”
Ed: “DYYYYYYINGGGGGGG.”
Alfons: *begins gently applying the aloe to Ed’s back*
Ed: ;~; “Thank you Alfons. You’re so good to me.”
Alfons: “Aw, well, anything for you.” <3
Ed: *blushes*
Alfons: *blushes too* *forgets what he’s doing* *accidentally jams his fingernails into Ed’s back*
Ed: X______x “ARRRAAGHH I HATE YOU YOU SUCK AND TRIM YOUR NAILS, GEEZ.”
Alfons: “Fine, apply it yourself!”
Ed: “I can’t, my automail is all fucked up from the mud!”
Alfons: “And whose idea was it to go floundering around in the mud?!”
Ed: “I saved the day, didn’t I?”
Alfons: “You dope.”
Ed: “OW OW OWIE!”
Alfons: “What? I didn’t do anything!”
Ed: “You talked too close to me and your breath hit my sunburn and it hurts!” DDD=
Alfons: “Okay, I’m sorry–”
Ed: “OW, STOP IT, I’M DYING OVER HERE HAVE YOU NO SYMPATHY??!!”
Alfons: “Guess I’ll go to bed then. Can you move?”
Ed: “WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT, I CAN’T EVEN BLINK WITHOUT PAIN AND YOU WANT ME TO MOVE I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME YOU MONSTER.”
Alfons: *goes to sleep on the other bed* T___T

[One week later]

Ed and Alfons: *drag themselves in the door of Al’s house*
Ed: *still sunburnt, half-paralyzed by mud-caked automail, and with massive tangles in his hair*
Alfons: *exhausted, Cheeto-less, and still forcibly celibate*
Winry and Al: =D “Hey, you’re back! Did you guys have a good time?”
Ed and Alfons: .____. “…We don’t wanna talk about it.”

PART THREE: END

How exactly DID Ed and Alfons get their senses back after chapter 32? Can Amity Park survive ghost-powered alchemists? And what happens when Discovery Channel decides to replace Mythbusters with Deadliest Catch? All coming up in Part Four!

[PuzzleChick]

In belated celebration of Don't Forget Day 2010, I bring you...a Dramaverse OVA! /o/ Although it’s still like seven pages long. I cannot be concise. xD

I'M SORRY IT'S NOT VERY FUNNY. I WROTE IT IN TWO DAYS WITHOUT ANY PLANNING. OTL AS ALWAYS YOU CAN BLAME/THANK CROW FOR MOST OF THE GLORIOUS INSPIRATION.

Dramaverse Part Three point Five: Save the Date
Genre: Crack/Script-style
Rating: PG-13 (see warnings)
Pairings: Riza/Roy, Ed/Alfons, Greed/Ling
Summary: Tired of waiting on Roy, Riza pops the question, but Ed isn’t too thrilled about the date the happy couple has chosen. Meanwhile, the AntennEds make a new friend.
Notes: Yes Roy is still a colonel. Because I fail at understanding military ranks, that's why. ^^;;;

*The warnings and spoilers from part one still apply here.
--------------------

[One fine day…]

Riza: *walks into the office one day and up to Roy’s desk* “Colonel Mustang?”
Roy: “Yes Lieutenant?”
Riza: “Will you marry me?”
Roy: O_o “L-Lieutenant…what’s this?!”
Riza: “My request for marriage, sir. I’ll only be of a practical age for birthing gun-toting pyromaniac children so long. I can’t sit around and wait for you. I can write up a formal proposal if–”
Roy: *glistening eyes of joy* “OHMYGODTHISDAYFINALLYCAMEI’VEBEENWAITINGFOREVER— ”
Riza: “…”
Roy: “I-I mean. I accept your proposal, Lieutenant. Shall we discuss plans later after work?”
Riza: “I’ll see you then.” *smiles and walks out*
Roy-tachi: *gape at Mustang*
Havoc: “Um, congratulations sir–”
Roy: “WHAT ARE YOU GUYS STANDING AROUND BEING STUFFY FOR. IT’S TIME TO CELEBRATE! SOMEONE BREAK OUT THE CHURROS!” /o/



*doorbell of the house that Ed, Alfons, Al, Winry, and the AntennEds all still share rings*
Al: *opening door* “Colonel Mustang! Good to see you. Are you looking for Ed?”
Roy: “No, I’m just here to drop off an invitation. You’re all invited to my and Riza’s wedding in October.”
Al: “So you finally popped the question, sir! Congratulations!” =D
Roy: “Actually, she asked me.” x3
Al: “…Why am I not surprised by this.”
Ed: *stomps in* “Hey, what’s going on out here? Colonel?”
Al: “Ed, Roy just came to invite us to his and Riza’s wedding!”
Alfons: *having followed Ed* “Oh thank God, now he’ll stop flirting with Ed.” >.>
Winry: *also walking in, followed by the AntennEds* “It’s about time you two got together! I’m making you pie for the reception!” =D
Roy: “Can you make churro pie?” 8D
Winry: “Um…”
AntennEds: *glom onto Roy* “Meep! Meep!”
Al: “I guess they forgot that you’re the reason their old house burnt down…”
Roy: “They started it.” >.<
Ed: *perusing invitation* “HEY. WAIT A MINUTE.”
Roy: “What?”
Ed: “You’ve set the wedding date to be October third!”
Al: “…Oh.”
Roy: “Yeah, I know. There’s this tree in Riza’s yard that we’re getting married under, and the leaves are such a nice color in October.”
Ed: “ARE YOU NOT AWARE OF WHAT OCTOBER THIRD IS?!”
Roy: “…What? Is there a Mythbusters marathon on that day or something??” D=
Ed: “IT’S THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY AL AND I BURNED OUR HOUSE DOWN AND JOINED THE MILITARY.”
Roy: ._.
Ed: “WTF WITH YOUR TIMING, COLONEL?”
Roy: “But…the tree…” D=
Al: “Ed…maybe we shouldn’t be too hard on him.”
Ed: “HE’S HAVING HIS WEDDING ON OUR DON’T FORGET DAY.”
Al: “But maybe it’s time that we stopped thinking of that day as something sad and began seeing it as something good.”
Ed: “BUT I HAD PLANS.”
Alfons: “None of which involved me.” :<
Ed: “IMPORTANT PLANS.”
Winry: *calling from the kitchen* “Did they involve sitting in your room staring introspectively at the wall for hours and being utterly useless?”
Ed: “…SO WHAT IF THEY DID.”
Roy: *hands Al another invitation* “Will you also give this to GreedLing for me? We don’t seem to have their address.”
Al: “Sure, but it’s easy to find them. They’re right next door.” *points to a conveniently located but entirely impractical field of wildflowers beside his house* *calls over* “Guys! Roy’s inviting you to his wedding! October third!”
GreedLing: *thumbs up while frolicking in the wildflowers* “Cool!”
Ed: “EXCUSE ME, I THINK YOU’RE ALL MISSING THE POINT HERE.”
Al: “So will we be seeing you at a bachelor party, Colonel? Your last chance to get wild and crazy before you get shackled.”
Roy: “Sure, why not?”
Alfons: “Wait…like, going to a strip bar?”
Al: “Usually.”
Alfons: DDD| “OH GOD IT’S THE NUDISTS ALL OVER AGAIN.”
Winry: “Will Riza be having a bachelorette party?”
Ed: “AL. HOW DARE YOU EVEN CONSIDER GOING OUT AND DRINKING AND LOOKING AT BOOBAGE ON THE EVE OF DON’T FORGET DAY.”
Roy: “Sure, call her up about it, I’m sure she’d like you to be there.”
Al: “What should I do about the AntennEds? You were our only babysitter for them.”
Roy: “Bring them along if you want.”
Al: “To a strip bar.”
Roy: “Sure, why not. They’re asexual, aren’t they? So they won’t care.”
Ed: "DON'T FORGET DAY. WHY HAVE YOU ALL FORGOTTEN DON'T FORGET DAY?!"
Al: “Don’t strip bars have age limitations? They’ll never be allowed–”
Roy: “Why are you using logic?”
Al: “…You’re right. I forgot where we were. I’ll bring them.”
Ed: “AM I COMPLETELY INEFFECTUAL?”
Roy, Al, Winry and Alfons: “Yes.”
Ed: “Oh sure. Now you all answer me.”
AntennEds: “Meep!”

[October second]

[At Roy’s bachelor party – At a strip club]

Roy: *sobbing into his beer about how Hughes isn’t here to celebrate with him*
Fuery: D= *patting Roy’s shoulder*
Alfons: *covering his eyes and whimpering*
AntennEds: *being squealed over by the dancers and a number of the patrons*
Al: *watching nervously to be sure none wander off or get kidnapped*
GreedLing: *too busy admiring each other via mind-link to care where they are*
Ed: “HAVE I MENTIONED YET THAT IT’S DON’T FORGET DAY EVE.”
Armstrong: *to random waitress* “This style of serving drinks has been passed down my family line for GENERATIONS!!” *sparkle sparkle*
Waitresses: *swoon*
Havoc: *possibly the only guy enjoying the show*
Envy: “And so then Shrimpy and I were like, “Never pair spots with plaid ever again!” And the lady was like, “Yes sir! I’m going home to change right now!” And then we left and flew away into the night in our Kryptonitemobile. And that’s how we saved the day from the fashion criminal of 23d street.”
Breda: *_* *finishing tenth drink* “TELL ME MORE.”
Brosh: *wondering if Maria is thinking about him*
Falman: *reading the back of his beer bottle* “This shit has over 300 calories!”
Hughes: *up in heaven* DDDD= “HOW DARE YOU GO TO A STRIP BAR, THOSE GIRLS ARE SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTERS!!”

[At Riza’s bachelorette party – At her house]

Riza: *cleaning guns* “He really asked for churro pie?”
Winry: *flipping through cookbooks* “Yeah.”
Sheska: *reading other cookbooks* “Nothing in here about churros either.” *tosses it aside and starts a new one*
Riza: “You know you don’t have to go through the trouble.”
Winry: “But I want to!”
Paninya: “Winry, have any more automail polish with you?”
Winry: *tosses her the bottle*
Paninya: “Thanks!”
Rebecca: *cleaning guns at the table with Riza*
Maria: *sorting bullets with Rose*
Olivier: *polishing her sword* “Any more champagne left? I’d like to make a toast.”
Rose: *passes refilled glasses around*
Olivier: “A toast to us. The women of FMA. May we always be more intelligent than the men on this show. More badass, too.”
Everyone: “AMEN.”

[October third]

Roy: *bursting into Riza’s room* “LIEUTENANT. I HAVE AN EMERGENCY.”
Riza: “What is it sir?”
Roy: D= “My suit doesn’t fit! The pants are much too short and the jacket is way too broad in the chest…I CAN’T GET MARRIED LOOKING LIKE THIS.”
Riza: “Sir, that’s not your suit. It’s mine.”
Roy: “Huh?”
Riza: “Here, this is yours.” *hands him a clothing bag*
Roy: “Lieutenant…this is your dress.”
Riza: “No it’s not. It’s yours.”
Roy: “…What.” ._.
Riza: “Sir, let’s be reasonable. The only reason people wear a suit and dress to a wedding is to denote traditional gender roles. It won’t make any sense if I’m the person in a dress.”
Roy: “I guess…”
Riza: “Besides, the dress matches your eyes better.”
Roy: “…You really think so?” =D
Riza: “Better go get dressed, sir. We only have a few hours left.”
Roy: *skips away*

[At Al’s house]

Ed: “I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU’RE SUPPORTING THIS.”
Al: *affixing bow ties to the collars of the AntennEds* “Well, they seemed so enthralled by my tie, I thought–”
Ed: “NOT THEM. I MEAN I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SUPPORT HAVING A WEDDING ON DON’T FORGET DAY.”
Al: “Oh. Well, people can’t organize their lives around us. And I for one would like to see something positive about this day from now on.”
Ed: “TRAITOR.”
Al: >_>
Alfons: *hopefully, to Ed* “We can just stay here and angst together today if you want.”
Ed: *considers it*
Winry: D< “Oh no, Ed. You are not going to sit around and be a jerk on Roy and Riza’s wedding day. They invited us and we said we’d go.”
Ed: “I never agreed.”
Al: “I agreed for you. You’re going whether you like it or not.”
Winry: “And I stayed up all night to finish the churro pies!”
Ed: >( “IT’S DON’T FORGET DAY. DON’T YOU CARE?”
Winry: “Yes, I do. So don’t forget to wear pants.”
Ed: *looks down at his boxers* “I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO WEAR WHATEVER I WANT ON DON’T FORGET DAY. Right Alfons?!”
Alfons: “Um, I’m with Winry on this one. I don’t want anybody at the wedding ogling your thighs.” >_>
Ed: “They are nicely toned, aren’t they? I’ve been working out more. …I MEAN. YOU’RE ALL TRAITORS. ALL OF YOU.”
Al: *herding the AntennEds out the door* “It’s almost time. We’ll save you a seat while you get your pants, Ed.”
Alfons: “I can help him get his pants.” =D
Winry: *grabs him by the arm* “I don’t think so Rocketboy. Come with us and help save Ed a seat.”
Alfons: *pulled out the door pouting*
Ed: “TRAITORRRRRRRS.”

[At the wedding]

Winry: “Ah, there’re our seats, right by GreedLing and Envy.”
Envy, GreedLing and Shrimpy: *wave*
Envy: “Hello!”
Al: *jawdrops* “Envy…you’re…wearing your bellydancing outfit.”
Envy: “Yes, I know.”
Alfons: *sputters* “Wh…why are you wearing that to a wedding?!”
Envy: “Because it’s the most fabulous thing I own.”
Ed: *sulking*
Envy: *re-arranging Shrimpy’s cape* “What’s wrong with Fullmetal?”
Al, Alfons, and Winry in unison: “NO, DON’T ASK–”
Ed: “IT’S DON’T FORGET DAY. DIDN’T ANYONE BESIDES ME REMEMBER THAT IT’S DON’T FORGET DAY?”
Envy: “…”
Al: “Oh, look, I think the wedding is starting!”
Winry: O.o “Um…Why is Roy wearing a dress?”
Alfons: “Well, it does go with his eyes.”
Winry: …>.>
Alfons: ._. "I'm just sayin'."

[At the reception]

Winry: *watching Riza and Roy feed each other churro pie* “I’m glad they’re so happy together. It was a nice ceremony. Aside from Roy tripping on his dress’s train and falling on the minister.”
GreedLing: “He’s an understanding fellow though. He’s the same guy who married us, remember.”
Al: *giving the AntennEds bits of pie*
Alfons: “Is that really a good idea? Won’t it make them hyper?”
Al: “I figure they can run around the yard and wear themselves out.”
Ed: *still sulking* “One day out of the year. ONE DAY. AND THEY PICK THIS ONE.”
Envy: *flounces up* “Hey Al, could you watch Shrimpy for me? I think it might do him well to visit with people of his own kind for the afternoon.”
Al: “Sure, why not.” *sets Shrimpy down amongst the flock*
AntennEds: :< “Meep?”
Shrimpy: “Meep!”
AntennEd #19: *walks up and bops Shrimpy on the head*
Shrimpy: ;__;
Other AntennEds: *all crowd around swatting at him too*
Shrimpy: DDDD’= “Meep!!”
Al: D= *chases them away* “Hey! Guys! Be nice to him! That’s so weird, normally they all get along perfectly.”
Winry: “But they don’t know Shrimpy. Maybe they don’t like AntennEds outside their birth flock.”
AntennEd #12: *walks up to Shrimpy*
Shrimpy: ;__; *cowers*
AntennEd #12: “…Meep?” *picks Shrimpy up* “Meep?”
Shrimpy: “Meep!”
AntennEd #12: =3 “Meep!” *holds him out at the rest of the AntennEds, who are starting to gather curiously around* “Meep!”
AntennEds: :< “Meep…meep!” *gather around and swivel their antennae in unison*
Shrimpy: *swivels his too*
AntennEds: “Meep!!!”
AntennEd #12: *sets Shrimpy down*
AntennEds and Shrimpy: =D *run off to play*
Al: “I guess they all just needed to get used to each other.” ^__^
Winry: “See Ed, they got over their differences. Don’t you think in the name of all we’ve been through together, you can get over Roy and Riza having their wedding on Don’t Forget Day?”
Ed: *grudgingly* “Well…I guess it was a nice wedding in the end.”
Roy and Riza: *walk up*
Roy: /o/ “WINRY. KICKASS CHURRO PIE. YOU MUST GIVE ME THE RECIPE.”
Winry: “Oh…thank you! Er…nice dress?”
Roy: =’D “Riza picked it out for me. It matches my eyes.”
Riza: *winks behind Roy’s back*
Winry: “Alfons noticed.”
Al: “So Roy, how’s it feel being a married man?”
Roy: “Oh, it’s great. Riza’s amazing. I can’t wait to start our life together.” <3
Alfons: “I bet he’s really looking forward to the wedding night. Eh, Roy?” ;D
Roy: ^_^ “Certainly.”
Ed: “Ugh, I don’t want to hear this!”
Roy: *blissfully* “She might even call me Roy!” *w*
Riza: *laughs* “We’ll see, sir.”
Alfons: *watches as they walk away, hands clasped* “That’s nice. They look happy.”
Winry: “They’re in love. Kind of…weird love…but it’s still nice.”
GreedLing: “Speaking of love, there’s a field of wildflowers over there looking conspicuously empty!” *skips away to frolic*
Ed: *sidles up to Alfons and takes his hand* “I’m sorry for being so cranky today.”
Alfons: <3 “It’s okay.”
Ed: “I mean, it’s nice. Celebrating love. Reminds me how lucky I am to have you.” =3
Alfons: =’3 “I love you, too.” *kisses him* “You know Ed…GreedLing got married even though they share a body, and Roy and Riza got married even though Roy wore the dress and almost crushed the minister. You ever think maybe we could…?”
Ed: “Are…are you proposing?”
Alfons: “Well…”
Ed: .___. “HOW CAN YOU PROPOSE ON DON’T FORGET DAY? THIS IS A VERY SOLEMN DAY! IT’S MEANT TO BE SPENT IN UTTER SERIOUSNESS.” D< *runs home to commence angsting*
Alfons: OTL
Al: *pats his shoulder* “Want to come watch Mythbusters with Envy and me?”
Alfons: *tiny smile* “Yeah, okay. Think Winry could save us some leftover churro pie?”
Al: “I’m sure that could be arranged.”
Everyone: *waves good-bye to Roy and Riza and goes home and thus, another Don’t Forget Day comes to a close*

[Later that night]

Roy: “So Lieutenant. Now that we’re married…is there any chance I’ll ever see you in a miniskirt? Not at the office of course, but, you know…just between us.” ;3
Riza: “Never in a million years, sir.”
Roy: “…Oh. Um. Then do you want to go downstairs and watch the Mythbusters late-night marathon and heat up some leftover churros and discuss whether or not pump-action rifles are worth their cost?”
Riza: *smiles* “…I’d like that, Roy.”
Roy: =’D *is officially the happiest man on Earth*

PART THREE POINT FIVE: END

Will Ed and Alfons ever get married? Will Ed ever stop wailing that we’re all traitors? Will Puzzle ever stop writing fl00fy Puzzleshipping and start writing the real Part Four of Dramaverse? Find out in…THE FUTURE! /o/

[PuzzleChick]

OH GODS, WHEN I OPENED MY DRAMAVERSE FILE THIS MORNING I SOMEHOW SCROLLED PAST CHAPTER FOUR AND NEARLY HAD A HEART ATTACK THINKING I'D ACCIDENTALLY DELETED IT OR SOMETHING. *waits for heart rate to return to normal* X_x

Anyway, in belated honor of Denial Day, on which Alfons Heiderich definitely DID NOT die, here's Dramaverse, Part Four. =D

I’M SORRY, I FEEL THIS ONE ISN’T AS FUNNY EITHER. D= And yes I must always make these apologies in advance, lest someone be disappointed by the lack of funny. ;_;

Title: Dramaverse Part Four: This is the Perfect Moment for a Flashback and a Crossover
Genre: Crack/Script-style
Rating: PG-13 (see warnings)
Pairings: Ed/Alfons, Danny/Sam implied
Summary: How DID Ed and Alfons get their sight back after returning to Amestris? The truth is finally revealed as Ed, Al and Alfons tell their account of an accidental trip to Amity Park. And when someone replaces Mythbusters Night with Deadliest Catch episodes, Envy thinks of the perfect solution…
Notes: This is a Danny Phantom cross-over, and if you haven’t seen Danny Phantom before, GET THYSELF TO TOONSURFER AND RECTIFY THIS SITUATION IMMEDIATELY. As such, there will be DP spoilers. Also, credit goes to Amythista for the “soul taste” idea.

*The warnings and spoilers from part one still apply here.
--------------------------------

[One day everyone was relaxing at home…]

Winry: *looking up from the TV* “Hey…Ed, Alfons, how exactly did you guys ever recover your senses and alchemy, anyway? You never told us.”
Alfons: “I thought Al told you?”
Winry: >.> “Al knows? He never told me!”
Al: “It’s kind of a long story.” ._.
Winry: “Well I want to know!” >|
Ed: “Okay, okay. It all started when it seemed like Alfons and I might be blind forever…”

[Flashback to a month after Ed and Alfons returned]

Al: “Ed, I don’t think this is a good idea.” >.>
Ed: “Oh come on. Alfons and I are frickin’ blind. It can’t make it any worse.”
Al: “It could make us dead.” ._.
Alfons: “Hey, we made it through alive the first time, didn’t we?”
Al: “But you know what happened the last time we fucked around with the Truth. I don’t think going in there and demanding your senses back is a good idea.”
Ed: “He shouldn’t have taken them in the first place! Truth has to obey equivalent exchange.”
Al: “I really don’t think this is a good idea.”
Ed: “C’mon, fire the circle up already! I want my sight back!”
Al: “Okay, but first could you just sign this paper saying that you know that I thought this was a bad idea so that Winry will know, when we’re all dead, to inscribe “It Was Ed’s Idea” on my tombstone?”
Ed: “That sort of thinking is bad karma. You need to think positive!”
Al: “Since when did you become a proponent of positive thinking?!”
Ed: “Since now. I’ve decided to give up my angsting ways and live life with zest and optimism.”
Alfons: “I approve. Especially of the zest part.”
Al: “…Okay. Everybody in the circle.” *claps hands*
Gate Baby: *NOMS*
Ed: *flails around, grabbing onto Alfons* “Al? Did it work? Where are we?”
Al: “…I have no clue.”
Ed: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE NO CLUE?”
Al: “This isn’t Truth’s place. It’s all green and black and there are a ton of doors…”
Alfons: “Maybe Truth redecorated.”
Ed: “TRUTH NEVER REDECORATES. FUCK. WE’RE LOST. PROBABLY FOREVER—” *stops* “I mean, I love how innocent you are, Alfons.”
Alfons: “Why does it feel like I’m floating?”
Al: “Because you are. We all are.”
Alfons: D| *grabs more tightly to Ed* “How are we floating?! What if we fall?”
Ed: “We won’t fall! We’ll be okay! I’ll think of a way out!”
Al: “Without being able to see?”
Ed: “…Al will think of a way out, with my help!”
Alfons: “What about me?”
Ed: “Al will think of a way out with your help and my help!” /o/
Al: “This positive thinking thing is starting to get annoying.” >.<
Alfons: “Okay, so…can’t you get us out, Al? Transmute us back to where we came from?”
Al: “That’s not how alchemy works!” *experiments with moving a bit and grabs Ed’s hand* “All right, I think we can sort of fly. Ed, hold onto Alfons. I’m going to pull us and try to find a way out.”
Ed: *clings to Alfons*
Alfons: “This works for me.” =3

[An hour later]

Ed: “Al…”
Al: >_> “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ASK ME IF WE’RE THERE YET ONE MORE TIME–”
Ed: “I was just going to say I hear something weird.”
Al: “What?”
Alfons: “Hey, I hear it too!”
Al: “I don’t…what’s that?” *sudden wooshing noise has filled the air and a huge green spiral opens up before them* “…Whoa.”
Ed: “What is it?”
Al: “I think it could be a way out. Hold on.” *launches himself, Ed and Alfons into the spiral*

[Meanwhile, at Danny Fenton’s house]

Danny: “Dad, why’s the Ghost Portal open?”
Jack: “Danny! Check it out, I’ve invented goggles that will allow you to see a ghost even in its invisible form! I call them Fenton Inviso-spectral Detection Goggles.”
Danny: “Why not just Fenton Goggles?”
Jack: “Because that doesn’t sound as cool.” =D
Danny: “…Do they work?”
Jack: “Of course they do! And I’ll prove it just as soon as I find an invisible ghost. One has to try to sneak out of the Fenton Portal eventually.”
Danny: *thinking hopelessly of the probably dozens of ghosts that have already escaped* “Hey, Dad, why don’t you go get some lunch? I’ll watch the Portal for awhile.”
Jack: =’D “You make me proud, son.” ;~~; *tosses him the goggles and jogs out*
Danny: “…”
*sound of upstairs door slamming*
Tucker: *running down, followed by Sam* “Danny, your dad said he’s invented a new gadget.”
Danny: “Actually they’re just goggles this time.”
Sam: “So what do these do?”
Danny: “Let you see invisible ghosts. Here.” *hands them to her and turns invisible*
Sam: *peering through them* “Nope, I don’t see anything.” *drops them around her neck* “Not a bad fashion statement though.”
Tucker: “Figures.”
Danny: *turning back* “Well, there’s no reason to have the Fenton Portal open. Who knows how many ghosts my dad’s already let out. I’d better–”
*sudden crashing noise as Al, Alfons and Ed all come flying out of the portal and land on the floor*
Danny, Sam and Tucker: D8
Danny: “Tucker, quick, get the thermos before they get away!”
Tucker: *pulls out the Fenton thermos and points it at the three on the floor, switching it on*
Sam: “…Why is nothing happening?” D=
Al: *groans and sits up* “Ow…”
Alfons: “I don’t think we’re floating anymore.”
Al: >_> “Very perceptive. We’re…” *looks around* *freezes as he sees Danny, Sam and Tucker all staring back* “Um…”
Ed: “What’s going on? Al, where are we now?”
Al: “I don’t know, but there’s some kids pointing a thermos at us.”
Ed: “Is it full of milk?”
Al: “I don’t think so.”
Ed: “Oh. Okay then, no reason to be concerned.”
Tucker: *waving the thermos* “Danny, why isn’t it working?! They are ghosts, right?”
Danny: “I don’t know…my ghost sense is picking up something, but…”
Ed: “Who’s that talking about ghosts?”
Al: *getting up* “I’ll take care of this, Ed.” *approaches Danny, Sam and Tucker* “Hi, I’m Al–”
Sam: *grabs Fenton Fisher and lassos Al* “GOTCHA.”
Al: D= “Hey, what the hell was that for?”
Ed: *jumping to his feet* “Al? What’s happening?”
Al: “This girl just attacked me with some weird fishing pole thing and tied me up!”
Alfons: “Kinky.”
Everyone: “…”
Alfons: “I’m just saying what we’re all thinking.”
Tucker: *walks up and bangs the thermos down on Al’s head* “IT’S STILL NOT WORKING.”
Al: “…Ow.” :<
Ed: “What? Al, are you okay? Are they hurting you?”
Al: “Well, this one just whacked me on the head with the thermos.”
Ed: D< “Hey, that’s my brother you’re throwing thermoses at! I AM EDWARD ELRIC AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS.” *strides forward purposefully, trips over Alfons and falls flat on his face* X_x
Alfons: “Ed? Was that you? Are you okay?” D= *flails and runs into the table*
Ed: “Alfons! Don’t move, I’ll get you!” *gets up and crashes into the wall*
Danny, Sam and Tucker: “…”
Al: “WOULD YOU GUYS JUST STAND STILL?”
Sam: *still has Al lassoed* “Hey, aren’t you going to try to escape or wail about how your ghost powers are no match for us or anything?”
Al: “Why would I do that? None of us have ghost powers.”
Danny: “Then why is my ghost sense going off?”
Al: “Damned if I know. Will you tell her to untie me?”
Tucker: “No way! We’re not falling for that!” *smacks him with the thermos again*
Al: “PLEASE STOP DOING THAT.” *claps his hands together out of habit*
Fenton Fisher: *explodes*
Sam: D=
Danny and Tucker: *cringe*
Al: *examining his hands* “Cool, I’ve still got my alchemy.”
Jack: *bursts through the upstairs door* “DANNY. I HEARD AN EXPLOSION. WHAT HAPPENED?!”
Everyone: *freezes*
Jack: *looking at Al, Ed and Alfons* “Who are they?”
Danny: “Oh…um, they’re friends from school.”
Jack: “Funny. I’ve never seen them before.”
Sam: *catching on* “That’s because they’re new students. From…Denmark.”
Jack: “Oh. Well Danny, I’m glad you’re making new friends! Friends I can educate about ghosts!” =D
Danny: “Maybe later Dad. Because um…a ghost got out right now! See, it blew up the Fenton Fisher and got away.”
Jack: DDD= “THAT’S TERRIBLE. Don’t worry son, I’ll take care of it!” *grabs the thermos and runs heroically back upstairs*
Tucker: “…He took the thermos.” D=
Al: “Thank God.” >.>
Ed: *listening in* “Why does everyone keep talking about ghosts?! Where the hell are we?”
Danny: “Okay ghosts, I got my dad to leave because he’s not nice like I am and would have preferred to peel you guys apart molecule by molecule. But if you’ll just go back into the Ghost Zone quietly, we won’t hurt you.”
Al: >_> “We’re not ghosts!” *walks over and hauls Ed and Alfons to their feet* “I’m Alphonse Elric, and this is my brother Edward and our friend Alfons Heiderich. They’re both blind. We…got lost and ended up in some weird greenish world and then followed a portal out to here.”
Tucker: “Exactly! You came from the Ghost Zone!”
Al: “The what?”
Tucker: “The dark and creepy would you inhabit when you’re not messing with our lives.”
Ed: “Okay, whoever the hell you are, you’re wrong. We didn’t come from any ‘Ghost Zone’ place, we came from Amestris. Now tell us how to get back there or–” *promptly trips over Al’s feet and crashes into a table of beakers* “MOTHERFUCKER. I mean… I’m okay!”
Danny: “I thought this was a TV-Y7 show. How did the censors not catch that.” ._.
Alfons: “Ed! What happened?” DD= *runs forward and crashes into the table too*
Al: *sighs* *to Sam* “Have any bandages?”
Tucker: *ignoring them, still lecturing* “The Ghost Zone could go on forever. Who knows what slimy corner of it you crawled out of?”
Sam: “Um…Tucker?”
Tucker: “What?”
Sam: *holds up Alfons’ hand, which has a cut from a broken beaker across the palm* “Since when do ghosts bleed?”
Alfons: ;__;
Tucker: O.o
Sam: *helping to bandage Ed and Alfons up* “Maybe we should listen to their story. It can’t hurt, can it?”
Danny: “Yeah, but we better keep them hidden. I don’t feel like explaining our new friends from Denmark quite yet.”
Ed: “What’s a Denmark? That sounds familiar.”
Alfons: O__O “Holy shit.”
Ed: “What?! What is it?!”
Alfons: “Denmark! Denmark is a country from my world!”
Ed: “…No.”
Al: “Wait…you’re saying…?”
Alfons: “Um, strange people I can’t see, what country are we in right now?”
Danny: O.o “The United States.”
Alfons: “…WE’RE BACK IN MY WORLD SOMEHOW.” D8
Ed: D8
Al: D8
Danny, Sam and Tucker: “…”

[Ten minutes later, having sneaked Ed, Al and Alfons up to Danny’s room]

Ed: *slumped on the floor* “WE ARE SO FUCKED.”
Al: “Whatever happened to being positive?”
Ed: “SCREW POSITIVE THINKING. POSITIVE THINKING SUCKS.”
Al: “Oh thank God, that’s over.”
Alfons: *also slumped on the floor* “ After everything we went through…all that money we had to make, all the work, all the arguing, getting shot…and we end up right back here again.”
Danny: “Uh, if you don’t mind my asking, what are you talking about?”
Al: “We’re from another dimension. My brother got stuck in your world a few years ago and met this guy, Alfons. They ended up getting back to my world but lost their sight doing it. So we were trying to see if we could get their sight back somehow and ended up in the weird green place.”
Tucker: “You expect us to believe that?”
Al: “Not at all. I just wish Ed and Alfons could see and tell me if this is what the other world looked like to them. I’ve always wondered.”
Ed: “WE’RE TRAPPED IN THE OTHER WORLD AND THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE WONDERING ABOUT?”
Tucker: “I don’t think we can trust them. They came out of the Fenton Portal. Nothing good has ever come out of there.”
Sam: *taking off the goggles* “But we’ve never explored all of the Ghost Zone. Maybe there are portals to other worlds in it. How are we to know?” *tosses goggles aside*
Ed: *gets hit in the head with them* “OWCH.”
Sam: “Oh, sorry.”
Ed: “What was that?” *feels around and picks the goggles up* “Some sort of eyewear?”
Danny: “They’re Fenton Inviso-spectral Detection Goggles.”
Al: “They’re what?”
Danny: “Fancy goggles with the word Fenton in the name.” -_- “Don’t bother with them, they don’t do anything.”
Ed: *wistfully* “Hey, Alfons, remember when we used to wear goggles while working on the MOLTs?” *awkwardly puts them on* “You always looked so– HOLY FUCK.”
Alfons: “What is it?! Are you hurt again??”
Ed: “I CAN SEE.”
Al: “What?”
Ed: “I’M NOT BLIND ANYMORE.” =DDDDD “I can see you and Al and the other people...”
Sam: “Congratulations Danny. Your dad invented goggles that cure blind ghosts.”
Danny: *facepalm*
Ed: “…Okay, seriously, why do you people keep talking about ghosts?”
Tucker: “Don’t you know? We’re the most feared ghost hunters around.”
Ed: “Why would we know that?”
Danny: “Uh, because you are ghosts?”
Al: O.o “Um…Ed…?”
Ed: “We’re not ghosts!” B|
Danny: “...So then why are you floating?”
Ed: *looks down* *is hovering a foot off the floor* “DAMN, AND I THOUGHT MAYBE I WAS FINALLY GETTING TALLER.”
Al: *grabs Ed and pulls him back down* “How did you do that?!”
Ed: “I don’t know!”
Danny: “Those are your ghost powers. You can levitate and go invisible and all sorts of things if you wanted.”
Ed: “BUT GHOSTS AREN’T REAL.”
Danny: >_> “I spend all my free time fighting ghosts and now you're claiming they don't exist?”
Ed: “Well how can they when science shows that a soul can’t exist on Earth without a body to inhabit and if it’s the wrong sort of body it’ll just get rejected–”
Danny: “Hello, you were just in the ghost zone, they OBVIOUSLY exist!”
Ed: “No.” >_>
Danny: “Yes.” <__<
Ed: “No.” >___>

[Several minutes later]

Ed: “NO.” >___________>
Danny: “YES.” <_______________<
Alfons: “Umm...Ed?” D'=
Ed: “NO!” >_________________>
Danny: “YES!” <_______________________<
Alfons: “Edward!” D'8 *flails*
Ed: “WHAT?”
Alfons: ;_; “I think I’m sinking...”
Ed: “...Wut.”
Alfons: *already halfway through the floor* “Heeeeeeelp!” T_T *vanishes altogether*
Ed: DDDD8 “OMG ALFONS.”
Danny: >D “See? SEE? Doesn't that prove the existence of ghosts and your ghost powers?”
Ed: ;_; *emos*
Sam: >( *smacks Danny*
Danny: D=

[Meanwhile, downstairs]

Jazz: *doing her homework at the table*
Alfons: *crashes down upon it* X__x “Ow…”
Jazz: O_O “WTF.”
Alfons: *looking around blindly* “Is someone there? It’s okay! Don’t worry! Um…I’m from Denmark!”
Jazz: “…DANNY.” >_> *grabs Alfons and drags him upstairs* “WHAT THE HECK WITH CREATING ANOTHER HALF GHOST? WHO EVEN IS THIS GUY?”
Ed: *stops emoing* “Alfons!” =D
Jazz: *seeing Ed and Al* “Who are these people?!”
Sam: *still smacking Danny* “We don’t know. They came out of the Ghost Zone.”
Jazz: “So he’s not a half ghost you created?” *pointing at Alfons*
Ed: “GHOSTS DON’T EXIST.”
Jazz: “Sure they do. Ghosts are souls without bodies.”
Al: “Does that mean I was a ghost once?” D=
Alfons: “Wait…we’re ghosts? WE DIED?” DD=
Ed: “We didn’t die! None of us are ghosts!”
Tucker: “But you’re floating again.”
Ed: “THAT PROVES NOTHING. I COULD JUST BE EXCEPTIONALLY LIGHTWEIGHT.”
Al: “…” *grabs Ed’s arm and pulls him back down to the floor again*
Alfons: “I DON’T WANNA BE DEAD.” T_T
Sam: “Maybe they’re people that some ghosts took over? It’s been known to happen.”
Ed: “Souls can’t take people over! And they can’t choose to come back to Earth, either!”
Danny: “Of course they can!”
Ed: “NO THEY CAN’T. I HAPPEN TO HAVE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE IN THIS MATTER.”
Danny: “UH, SO DO I.”
Ed: D<
Danny: D<
Alfons: “Yeah, hi, can anyone tell me what just happened?”
Jazz: “You fell through the floor and onto a table.”
Alfons: ._.
Sam: “Hey, where did Tucker go?”
Tucker: *reappearing with the Fenton Ghost Catcher* “If they are being overshadowed, this will fix it!” *swipes the Ghost Catcher over Al* *nothing happens*
Al: “…First a thermos, then a fishing pole, and now a dream catcher. WHAT THE HELL IS WITH YOU PEOPLE AND ATTACKING ME WITH STUFF.”
Danny: “This doesn’t make any sense. I keep sensing more and more ghostliness around you, but you were able to break out of the Fisher and nothing else has an effect!”
Alfons: “Know what else doesn’t make sense? I heard Al say he could use his alchemy, but he shouldn’t be able to. Not in this world.”
Ed: “Wait…what if…?” =D *claps hands together*
Floor: *asplodes*
Ed: “I HAVE MY ALCHEMY BACK TOO.” =D
Al: =D
Alfons: =D
Danny: “Sure, you’re not ghosts. Because humans always have powers that can blast holes in the floor.”
Jack: *bursts into the room* “DANNY. I HEARD ANOTHER EXPLOSION. WHAT HAPPENED?”
Danny: “…A ghost did it.”
Jack: D< “Thought it could sneak back in, did it? Not to worry, I’ll expunge its foul presence from our home!” *runs out*
Jazz: “I’m impressed, Dad used ‘expunge’ correctly.”
Alfons: “Hey, Ed, can I use the goggles?”
Ed: >.> “No, I’m still using them!”
Alfons: “Come on, just for a minute?”
Ed: “Gimme a few more seconds!”
Alfons: “I’ll give them back, I swear!”
Al: “Ed, you should let Alfons use them.”
Ed: “YOU ALWAYS TAKE HIS SIDE.”
Al: “…Since when has that been true? Alfons and I never get along!”
Alfons: *flails and grabs for the goggles*
Ed: “Nooo! I found them first, they’re mine!”
Alfons: “Why do you always have to be so selfish?!”
Al: *grabs the goggles off Ed* “If you two don’t behave yourselves I won’t let either of you have them!”
Alfons: *pouts*
Ed: “I’LL ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS YOU FOR THEM.”
Alfons: “YOU’RE ON.”
Ed and Alfons: “ROCKPAPERSCISSORSHOOT. ROCKPAPERSCISSORSHOOT. ROCKPAPERSCISSORSHOOT.”
Alfons: “ED’S CHEATING.”
Ed: “How can I cheat, you don’t even know which one I’m using! Maybe you’re cheating!”
Al: “Okay, I’ll moderate. On the count of three. One…two…”
Ed: *uses scissors*
Alfons: *uses rock*
Al: “Alfons won.”
Alfons: >D
Ed: “YOU’RE JUST TAKING HIS SIDE AGAIN.”
Jazz: “…I’m going back to my homework.”
Sam: *watching* “Y’know, I get the feeling they’re not really dangerous.” ._.
Tucker: *looking at the hole in the floor* “Except unintentionally.”
Danny: “That’s what scares me.” =|
Alfons: *putting the goggles on* “This is so cool–” *sees Sam’s midriff* DDDx “SCANDALOUS!!!”



Alfons: *examining Danny’s room* “Hey, what’s this?”
Ed: *sulking on the bed*
Danny: “Oh, that’s my space program poster.” =3
Alfons: “It has rockets!”
Danny: “How else do you think everyone got in to space?”
Alfons: “People have been in space?”
Danny: “Duh. One day I’m going to be an astronaut too.” =D
Ed: “If you don’t get shot by a random Nazi first.”
Danny: “…What?”
Alfons: *still studying the poster* “I can’t believe I never heard about this! It’s only been a month since we left. To think people have been to the moon in that short time…”
Danny: “Uh, the moon landing was years ago. In 1969.”
Alfons: >.> “YOU LIE.”
Danny: >.> “No, I’m not!”
Alfons: “That’s impossible, 1969 hasn’t happened yet!”
Danny: “Uh, yes, it has.”
Alfons: “HAS NOT.”
Danny: “HAS TOO.”
Alfons: “HAS NOT.”
Ed: “Hey, if you guys are just going to argue, can I have the goggles?”
Al: “Wait, so what year is it?”
Sam: “2004.”
Alfons: O_O
Ed: D=
Al: “And that means…?”
Alfons: “WE WENT INTO THE FUTURE.”
Ed: “Wut.”
Alfons: *rushes to the window* “I want to see that the future looks like!” 8D *trips over Danny’s backpack and goes flying, phasing through the wall* “HOLYSHIT–!” *vanishes*
Al: DDDD8
Ed: “ALFONS? WHERE ARE YOU?”
Al: “He tripped and phased through the wall!”
Ed: DDDD’8 “ALFONS! I’LL SAVE YOU!” *runs in the vague direction of the window*
Wall: “lol no.”
Ed: *crashes into the wall*
Alfons: *faintly, from outside* “HALP.” D8
Danny: “Don’t worry, I’ll get him!” *exciting music plays* *turns into Danny Phantom and flies through the wall*
Al: “Does he do that often?”
Tucker: “Yeah.”
Danny: *returns with Alfons* “He nearly got stuck in the road, but he’s fine. You guys need to learn to control your ghost powers.”
Alfons: *runs over to Ed* “Ed, are you all right?”
Ed: *getting up woozily* “I’m fine…I ran into the wall.”
Al: “Also, you’re floating again.”
Ed: “I don’t get it, if I can float, why couldn’t I run through the wall like Alfons did?”
Alfons: “Well, I can’t float.” =/
Sam: “You guys might have all gotten different powers. We’ve seen that happen to people before, too.”
Alfons: “You people have had weird lives.” ._.
Al: “This isn’t fair. I haven’t gotten any cool powers.” D=
Ed: *steals the goggles from Alfons* “Well, we’ve got our alchemy still so we can probably open a portal back home. But first I want to go check out what the future looks like, too.”



Ed: “This is amazing! Cars have gotten so fancy. I remember our old jalopy…”
Alfons: *being led along holding Ed’s hand* “I remember what we used to do in the jalopy.” ;D
Al: “I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS.” e_o
Sam: “Are those two a couple or something?
Al: “Unfortunately yes.”
Alfons: “Whadaya mean, ‘unfortunately?’” >.>
Tucker: “Would someone please explain to me why we’re hanging out with these guys? We still have no proof we can trust them!”
Al: “Don’t worry, we won’t do anything. We just wanted to check out the future. I– What’s that?”
Guy with a cat carrier: *walking up to the animal shelter*
Danny: “The animal shelter.”
Al: “Why is he taking his cat there?” D=
Danny: “I don’t know. To give it up, I guess.”
Al: “…GIVE IT UP?”
Sam: “People leave unwanted pets at the animal shelter.”
Al: D’8 “THAT WHOLE BUILDING IS FULL OF UNWANTED CATS?”
Ed: “AL, NO.”
Al: “But…but!” DDD’=
Ed: “How would we even get them home?”
Al: “…I guess you’re right.” ;__; “Poor kitties…”
Alfons: ;~;
Ed: *pats both their arms* “Come on guys.”
Danny and Sam: “…”
Tucker: “Okay, maybe they’re not that dangerous.” ._.

[While all this was happening, the night before back at Father’s Secret Lair it was time for another evening of Mythbusters!]

Father and all the sins: *anticipatory silence* =D
Discovery channel announcer: “Up next, a new episode of Deadliest Catch, followed by two more back-to-back episodes at 9:00 and 10:00!”
Father: …D=
Sins: D=
Wrath: “How can this happen?? They’ve completely canceled Mythbusters Night!”
Lust: B| “This is unacceptable! Deadliest Catch has absolutely no explosions!”
Father: “No big boom…” ;_;
Envy: “I KNOW HOW WE CAN FIX THIS.”
Other sins: O.o
Envy: “We build a cross-dimensional time machine and go forward in time until just as the line-up director is about to change the line-up…”
Other sins: “…”
Envy: “…AND THEN WE PUNCH THE LINE-UP DIRECTOR IN THE FACE.”
Other sins: “…”
Envy: =D
Greedling: “…IT’S PERFECT.”
Father and the other sins: /o/

[Back in Amity Park, as everyone is having lunch in the park]

Al: “Look, a kitten!” =D
Ed: >_> “Al…did you sneak back into the animal shelter and steal that?”
Al: “Of course not! It just appeared here!” *picks it up* “Isn’t it adorable?” <33
Kitten: =3 <3
Ed: “I told you we don’t need to bring back any cats with us!”
Alfons: “Lemme have the goggles, I want to see it!”
Al: “I think he likes me.” =D
Kitten: *snuggles in his arms and purrs*
Danny: *ghost sense goes off* “Oh crap…”
Al: “Come on, please can I keep him?”
Ed: “SERIOUSLY AL, WE DO NOT NEED ANOTHER CAT. PUT IT DOWN.” *reaches for the kitten*
Al: DD’=
Kitten: *hisses* *suddenly transforms into a nine-foot tiger*
Ed: “…ohshit.”
Al: O.o
Danny: “It’s like that ghost dog I found!”
Sam: D=
Tucker: “…I forgot the thermos.”
Alfons: *still blind* “Um…what’s going on?”
Kitten: *growls at Ed*
Ed: “Nice…kitten?”
Kitten: DD< *swipes at him*
Ed: DDD’8
Al: “No! Don’t hurt him!”
Kitten: ._. *looks at Al* =3 *transforms back into a kitten*
Al: “…” *picks it up*
Kitten: <33 *purrs more*
Al: “…Can I keep him now?” =D
Ed: *nods mutely*
Alfons: “No, seriously, what just happened?”

[Later as they’re walking around town some more]

Alfons: *now has the goggles again* *looking around at their group* “Hey…where did Al go?”
Ed: “Al is missing!?”
Al: “I’m right here!”
Alfons: “I can hear him, but I can’t see him!” D8
Ed: “Al, where are you??”
Al: “I’m here!”
Sam: “I think he’s gone invisible.” >.>
Al: “I’m invisible?” O.o "But how?"
Danny: “Your ghost power must have kicked in.”
Al: “So…how do Snookums and I become un-invisible?”
Ed: “…Snookums?”
Al: “It’s what I named the kitten.”
Ed: “…WHY.”
Snookums: *growls* >_>
Ed: D8 “I’m sorry! Snookums is a lovely name!”
Al: “…Am I still invisible?”
Danny: “Here. This should work.” *takes Al’s arm and turns him visible*
Alfons: “I can see him now. Hi Snookums!” =D
Snookums: *purrs*
Ed: “Oh sure, the cat likes you.”
Snookums: *hisses*
Ed: “I’M SORRY.”
Al: “So Ed can fly, Alfons can phase through stuff…and my power is turning invisible?”
Danny: “Looks like it. You’ll probably gain some control over it with time.”
Ed: “Don’t you dare even consider sneaking into the animal shelter invisibly and setting the cats free, Al.”
Al: “…”
Ed: “YOU’RE CONSIDERING IT, AREN’T YOU.”
Al: “…No!” >.>
Ed: “Alfons, is it my turn with the goggles yet? I want to keep an eye on Al.”
Alfons: *pouts* *hands them over*
Ed: “It’s so great to see again. And to have my alchemy back.” =D *randomly transmutes a street sign*
Danny, Sam and Tucker: ._.
Al: “I still don’t know why we can use alchemy though.” =/ “You said you weren’t able to in this world.”
Ed: “Maybe the magical ghost stuff that gave us our powers helped.”
Danny: “It’s possible. Nobody knows all the kinds of magic the Ghost Zone holds.”
Ed: “…WAIT.” 8D
Al: “What is it?”
Ed: “If the Ghost Zone gave us all powers and lets you and me do alchemy in this world…do you think maybe it gave Alfons the ability to do alchemy too?”
Alfons: =D?
Al: “Maybe…”
Alfons: “LEMME TRY.” *claps hands and touches the ground blindly*
City block: *is suddenly leveled*
Ed: O____O
Al: O____O
Danny, Sam and Tucker: DDD|
Alfons: “So did it do anything?” =D
People: *come out the busted buildings, looking around angrily* *see Alfons, Ed and Al all standing right where the destruction stops* “GHOSTS!”
Danny: *grabs Alfons* “RUN!”

[five minutes later, hiding in an alley]

Danny: “Let’s give people time to calm down and then we’ll sneak home.”
Ed: “So alchemy levels a whole street…and the first thing people assume is that we’re ghosts who caused it?”
Sam: “Let’s just say people don’t argue about the existence of ghosts here.”
Ed: “BUT GHOSTS AREN’T REAL.”
Tucker: “Are we seriously having this fight again?”
Alfons: “Did everybody see? I can’t believe I blew up a whole street! I must be really good at alchemy to do that on my first try.” =D
Danny: “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE PROUD OF BLOWING STREETS UP.”
Alfons: “Yeah, whatever. I bet nobody else has ever done that powerful of alchemy without any training! And–” *stops abruptly*
Ed: “Alfons? What is it? Are you sinking again?!”
Alfons: “I CAN SEE.”
Ed: “What?!” O_o
Alfons: “I can see! Not very well, but…my sight is definitely coming back!”
Tucker: “You’re…also turning see-through.” .__.
Alfons: =D… “What?”
Ed: *takes off the goggles* “…HEY, I CAN SEE TOO!” =D
Sam: “Um…guys?”
Ed, Al and Alfons: *all have turned partially see-through*
Danny: “They’re slowly turning into full ghosts…”
Sam: “Maybe the Ghost Zone did something to their bodies.”
Ed: “Wait…we’re losing our bodies?!”
Al: “…DAMN IT, DIDN’T I JUST SPEND A WHOLE SERIES WITH THAT PLOT DEVICE?”
Alfons: “You mean we actually are ghosts?” D|
Sam: “I don’t think you’re really dead, it’s some affect. Maybe we could find a way to go back into the Ghost Zone and recover your bodies.”
Alfons: “But…if we’re losing our bodies, then why are we getting our senses back and more powers?”
Ed: “Well, we did think that Truth did something to us. Maybe losing our bodies means we lost whatever he did.”
Alfons: “So…you mean when we go back to Amestris, I won’t be able to do alchemy anymore?” =(
Ed: D= *flails* “It’s okay Alfons! I love you whether you can do alchemy or not!”
Alfons: =’3
Sam: “Aww. That’s sweet.”
Tucker and Danny: “…”
Sam: “What?! All I’m saying is that it’s nice that they love each other whether either of them has cool powers or not.”
Tucker and Danny: “…”
Sam: “Can we just get back to the issue at hand?” >_>
Alfons: “Hey, where’s Al?”
Al: “I think I’m invisible again.”
Danny: “Oh, okay, this is good. Al, go check out what’s going on and let me know if the coast looks clear.”
Al: “Okay.”
Everybody: *waits silently*
Danny: *quietly, to Sam* “You’re right, you know. Somebody doesn’t have to have powers to be cool.”
Sam: =’) “Thanks. I mean…thanks for getting what I meant. It wasn’t like I thought…um, just thanks.”
Danny: =3 *blushes and looks away*
Al: “Hi, I’m back.”
Everybody: *jumps* D8
Tucker: “So what’s going on?”
Al: “There’s some chick in a red suit on a flying thing, and some other men in white suits.”
Danny: “How the hell did the Guys in White get here so fast?!”

[Ten minutes before, just as Alfons was about to try alchemy]

Guy in White #1: *eating a hamburger* “I told you the best hamburgers in the country were in Amity Park.”
Guy in White #2: “You’re right. And they’re so well made, the splatter risk is almost nill.”
Alfons: *alchemy~~!* 8D
Restaurant: *falls apart*
Ketchup: *lands on Guy in White #1’s shirt* =D
Guy in White #1: “Alas, there was an unaccounted variable in assessing the splatter risk! Quickly, someone fetch me the government regulation soda water!”
Guy in White #2: “You attend to ketchup spill #9629-Alpha. I’ll get to work tracking the ghost who caused it!”

[Back in the alley]

Sam: “And Valerie’s here, too. She’s got ghost detection sensors, and with these guys turning into ghosts…”
Valerie: *appears at the front of the alley*
Danny: “Oh crap.”
Alfons: “DON’T WORRY, I’LL HOLD HER OFF.” 8D *claps hands*
Danny: “NO!”
Alfons: *blows up the sidewalk for fifty feet around*
Ed: *whistles*
Alfons: “Not bad, huh?” =D
Danny: *grabs them both and turns them invisible* “BRAG LATER.”

[Fifteen minutes later as they walk into Danny’s house]

Jack: “Perfect timing! Your mom’s just about to put the Fenton ghost shield up. Whatever ghost attacked our house has taken to attacking the whole city! Want to stand at the door with me and watch it come down?”
Danny: “Maybe another time Dad.” *hurries by with Sam and Tucker to his room, where he lets go of Ed and Alfons and makes them visible again*
Ed: “Geez, there was no reason to drag us.”
Danny: >_> *wobbles* “You know, making other people invisible actually does takes energy. You might be grateful.”
Alfons: “I don’t understand, why did we run? I could have taken her!”
Sam: “You obviously don’t understand Valerie. She hates ghosts. She’ll destroy all of you without a second thought.”
Alfons: “Oh.”
Tucker: “Good thing we all got away.”
Ed: “Yeah. Right Al? …Al?”
Alfons: “He was with us, wasn’t he?”
Sam: “He was invisible when Alfons blew up the street…he might have gotten stuck in that.” >.>
Ed: DDDD’8 “AL!”
Alfons: “I’m sorry!” D=
Danny: “Try not to worry. Of any of you, he’s the safest. He’ll stay invisible until he either learns to control his powers or until I turn him back.”
Ed: “So he can walk here safely, right?”
Danny: “Well…he could, but…”
Ed: “BUT?!”
Danny: “My parents put the ghost shield up. There’s no way he’ll be able to get in.”
Ed: “SO MY BROTHER IS STUCK OUT THERE? WITH GHOST HUNTERS? FUCK THAT SHIT.” *jumps up onto the window sill and alchemically blows a hole in the ghost shield, throwing himself through it*
Danny: O__o “How…how did he do that?!”
Alfons: “Wait for me, Ed!” *jumps through the hole before it closes*
Danny: “What the hell just happened?!”

[Outside]

Ed: “Al! AL!”
Alfons: “What if the ghost hunters got him?” D=
Ed: “Al’s too smart for that! And he has that nightmare kitten to protect him.”
Alfons: “But who’s going to protect us?”
Ed: “I will!”
Valerie: “FOUND YOU, GHOST KIDS.”
Ed and Alfons: D8
Valerie: *fires missiles at Alfons*
Ed: “HEY. NOBODY FIRES MISSILES AT MY BOYFRIEND.” D<
Guys in White: “The ghosts have been located! Quick, detain them before they pose an even greater threat to clean linen!” *fire lasers at Alfons*
Alfons: ;___;
Maddy and Jack: *pull up in the Fenton Family Ghost Assault Vehicle* *launch rockets at Alfons*
Alfons: “Ooh, rockets– HOLY SHIT.” *dodges* DDDDD’8 “I WANNA GO HOME.”
Ed: “WHAT PART OF NO FIRING SHIT AT MY BOYFRIEND DIDN’T YOU PEOPLE GET?!” *alchemizes the street* DDD<
Street: *asplodes*
Bystanders: DD8 *flee*
Valerie: *flies away*
Guys in White: X_x
Maddy: *yanks Jack back into the RV and drives out of range*
Al: =DD “Awesome! …I mean…Ed, don’t hurt anybody!”
Ed: *alchemically explodes more buildings* >___> “NOBODY FUCKING ATTACKS MY BOYFRIEND.”
Alfons: …=’3 <3

[At Vlad’s house]

Vlad: *staring at the TV, on which Ed is still asploding stuff* “What the…who are those people?!”
Ghost vulture: “No clue, sir.”
Vlad: “Well, I suppose I’ll leave them for Daniel to deal with.”
Ghost vulture: “Sir…isn’t your dairy farm on the TV?”
Dairy farm: *explodes*
Vlad: B|…

[At the dairy farm]

Ed: “Well, I feel better now.” =D *jumps into the air and flies* “I AM EDWARD ELRIC AND NOBODY’S GOING TO MESS WITH MY BOYFRIEND ON MY WATCH.” >DD
Alfons: =’DD
Ed: *flies down and picks up him up*
Alfons: “That was so romantic of you.” =’3
Ed: “You think?” =D
Alfons: “Yeah.” =D
Ed and Alfons: *long romantic kiss whilst flying over the remains of Vlad’s dairy farm*

[In the city, while Danny, Sam and Tucker are looking for Ed and Alfons]

Random television in a store window: “O hai. We interrupt your day to let you know that our mayor Vlad Masters has just announced the hunt is off for Danny Phantom and the latest ghost threat is these two guys. kbai.” *video of Ed and Alfons over the dairy farm*
Danny: “Of course. They couldn’t blow up some random farm that doesn’t belong to my arch-enemy.” =|

[Ten minutes later]

Ed and Alfons: *flying around~*
Danny (as Danny Phantom): *flies up* “WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?!”
Ed: “Oh, hey, you can fly too.” =D
Danny: “DON’T YOU ‘OH HEY’ ME. YOU’VE BLOWN UP HALF THE CITY.”
Ed: “The chick on the flying thing started it when she attacked Alfons!”
Danny: “AND FOR THAT YOU BLEW UP VLAD’S DAIRY FARM?”
Ed: “…Who’s Vlad?”
Alfons: “Um…speaking of the chick on the flying thing.” D= *points*
Valerie: *zooming toward them*
Danny: “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO JUST BE LOOKING FOR YOUR BROTHER. AND INSTEAD YOU CAUSE ALL OF THIS.” >__>
Valerie: “HA. I GOT ALL OF YOU AT ONCE, NOW.” >D
Guys in White: “Back off girl, the ghosts are ours!”
Jack: *screeches up in the RV and jumps out* “THIS IS A JOB FOR JACK FENTON.”
Maddy: “…”
Jack: “…THIS IS A JOB FOR MY LOVELY WIFE MADDY AND I’LL CARRY STUFF!”
Maddy: =3 *gives him a cookie*
Vlad: *arriving in an army tank because he can* “WHAT’D YOU DESTROY MY DAIRY FARM FOR?!”
Ed and Alfons: “…”
Danny: “...I hate you all.” >_>
Ed: “Don't worry, we'll fix it! Here, let us help you fight!”
Ed and Alfons: *chuck pieces of the farm at Valerie using alchemy* =D
Valerie: *dodges*
Danny: *gets hit* *falls unconscious* *changes back*
Valerie: “OMGWTFDANNY?!” D8
Ed and Alfons: “...Oops.”
Sam and Tucker: D= *rush in to save Danny*
Maddy: *spots them* DDDD= “Why is Danny here?!”
Jack: “I bet the ghosts kidnapped him! That’s why they were attacking our house!”
Maddy: >_________>
Ed: “His parents seriously didn’t see him flying around? How oblivious are they?”
Valerie, Guys in White, Maddy, Jack and Vlad: *all have rocket missiles pointed at Ed and Alfons*
Ed: “Alfons, your power was turning intangible, wasn’t it? Quick, turn us intangible!”
Alfons: “But I don’t know how!” DDD’8
Ed: “WELL FIGURE IT OUT.”
Alfons: DDDD’= *concentrates* “…It’s not working!”
Rockets: *are launched*
Ed: “We’re all gonna die for real aren’t we.” ;____;
Alfons: “NO FUCKING WAY.” *clings to Ed and turns them intangible at the last second*
Rockets: *fly harmlessly through them*
Ed: =D
Alfons: =D “Look Ed, rockets!”
Rockets: *explode harmlessly in the sky*
Ed and Alfons: *cheer*
Ed: “Alfons, I’ve had enough excitement. Let’s go find Al and then go home.” =)
Alfons: “Sounds good.” =)
Ed and Alfons: *fly away into the sunset*
Valerie, Guys in White, Maddy, Jack and Vlad: “…”

[Back at the Fentons’ house, in the basement]

Danny: “NO. YOU’RE LEAVING NOW.”
Ed: “But we haven’t even found Al yet! I’m not going home without him!”
Alfons: “I don’t mind if we do.”
Ed: >_>
Danny: “I DON’T CARE. I WANT YOU GONE. GET YOUR BUTTS BACK IN THE GHOST ZONE.”
Sam: “It’s not really fair to just send them away without even trying to find Al or get their bodies back.” =/
Danny: “IT’S TOTALLY FUCKING FAIR.”
Tucker: “They did destroy half the city, piss off Vlad, reveal his secret to Valerie and make everyone think that Danny Phantom was friends with the new ghosts, so now everybody hates him even more.”
Danny: *pointing at Ghost Portal* “You can either walk in or I’ll blast you in and either way is fine with me.” >__>
Sudden new voice from upstairs: “Ed? Alfons? Is anyone here?”
Ed: =D “AL!!” *runs upstairs*
Alfons: “…Darn.”
Al: *is visible again, having mastered his power* *pointing outside at all the smoke and fire trucks and ambulances racing around the city* “What the hell have you been up to?!”
Danny: “Don’t bother, I’ve already asked them that.”
Ed: “Al…why is there an army of cats following you?”
Cats: =3
Al: “…No reason.”
Ed: “Those aren’t from the animal shelter, are they?”
Al: “No.”
Ed: >_>
Al: “Look, Alfons is the one who blew it up in the first place trying alchemy!”
Ed: “AL. WE CAN’T BRING THOSE HOME WITH US!”
Al: “But…but…”
Ed: “NO. AND YOUR CREEPY GHOST CAT–”
Snookums: *growls*
Ed: “…YOUR ADORABLE GHOST CAT HAS TO STAY, TOO.”
Al: “I guess you’re right.” ;_; “But…where will they live?”
Sam: “I bet Snookums would be willing to protect the homeless cats.”
Al: “You think?” =3
Danny: “I don’t need MORE ghosts living in town!”
Snookums: *big shiny eyes*
Danny: “…I guess I can make an exception.”
Snookums: *purrs*
Ed: “Why does the cat like everyone except me?”
Al: ;__; “Well Snookums…I guess this is good-bye. You can’t come back to my world with me.”
Snookums: :’<
Al: “But you’ll stay here and protect all the stray cats of Amity Park, won’t you?”
Snookums: “Meow!” <3
Al: “I’ll never forget you.” ;____; *stands at the door and waves good-bye tearfully as Snookums leads the other cats away*
Danny: “Okay, now will you all please LEAVE?!”

[At that particular moment…]

Director of Discovery Channel’s line-up: “I’m so happy I randomly decided to take my vacation in Amity Park where nothing odd ever happens. I think I’ll stand outside this house with the word Fenton on it while I decide on what show should replace Mythbusters Nights.” =D
Sins: *appear*
Envy: >__> “YOU.”
Director of Discovery Channel’s line-up: “Huh?”
Envy: *FACE PUNCH*
Sins: *cheer*
Director of Discovery Channel’s line-up: D’=
Lust: “NEVER REPLACE MYTHBUSTERS. EVER. OR WE WILL FIND YOU.” *pointy nails*
Director of Discovery Channel’s line-up: DDDDD’8 “I’ll never replace it! I promise!”
Al: *still staring out the door* “What…the…fuck.”
Ed: “Envy! What the hell are you doing here?”
Envy: “Punching this guy in the face.”
Alfons: *sputters* “How did you guys all get here??”
GreedLing: “Cross-dimensional time machine. How did you get here?” O.o
Al: “We accidentally found a portal. We were just about to try to get back.”
Lust: “Want a ride home with us instead?”
Ed, Al and Alfons: …O_o
Sins: "...It was just an offer, there's no reason to act so ungrateful." B|
Ed: "Um, no, we were just wondering if this was a plot to try to kill us again." ._.
Danny: “If you want to kill them that’s okay with me too!”
Sam: >_> *smacks him again*
Danny: D’=
Wrath: “Would we do that?”
Al: “Yes.”
Envy: “But this isn’t a mission to kill you! This was a mission TO SAVE MYTHBUSTERS.”
Other sins: /o/
Envy: “Besides, it’s Mythbusters Night and we have to make it home in time to see it. We’ll try to kill you another day.”
Ed: “In that case, sure, we accept the ride. On one condition.”
Envy: “What’s that?”
Ed: “That you make an extra stop. There’s someone I need to talk with.” B|



Truth: “Well hello…I’ve never had so many people visit me at once.”
Ed: “Look, Truth, Alfons and I didn’t even use your portal to get back home. So why did you make us pay a toll?”
Truth: “Because your life is my personal playground, and there was nothing good on television.”
Alfons: “Are you the reason we’re all weird and ghostly now? You made us pay another toll?”
Truth: “Well, a human transmutation is still a human transmutation, even if you used that weird ghost gate instead of mine…the toll got a bit mixed up.”
Ed: >_> “Well, whatever you took from us, give it back! We shouldn’t have had to pay!”
Truth: “Meh, why not. The bits of your souls taste funny anyway.” *snaps his fingers*
Alfons: =DD “I can see again!”
Ed: “So can I! Wait. My soul…tastes funny?” O.o
Truth: “Yeah. It was fine before, but after you were in the other world it changed. And the other one’s soul tastes way too much like rocket fuel, it’s disgusting.”
Alfons: “My soul is disgusting?” ;_;
Ed: “So what did my soul taste like before I went to the other world?”
Truth: “Shrimp.” >)
Ed: “…YOU BASTARD.” D< “I SWEAR I’LL–”
Al: *grabs Ed and drags him back inside the cross-dimensional time machine* “Envy, let’s go!”

[Back in present-day Central]

Ed: “And that’s what happened.”
Winry: O.o
Ed, Al and Alfons: “…?”
Winry: “You leveled half a city?!”
Ed: “It was an accident!”
Winry: “You knocked some kid out and revealed his ghost superpower secret to a ghost hunter?!”
Ed: “It was an accident!”
Winry: “You destroyed a dairy farm?!”
Ed: “…”
Winry: “You broke into an animal shelter and freed all the cats?!”
Ed: “It was an acci– No, wait, that one was Al’s idea.”
Winry: “Don’t you care about the consequences of any of those things in the other world’s canon?!”
Ed: “…Should we?”
Winry: *faceplam*

PART FOUR: END

Can the gang find a cure for the strange venom that’s turned Ed into a were-platypus and Alfons into an incubus? Will Ed and Alfons make it to their wedding? And who will be victorious when Amestris holds a Battle of the Bands? Find out next time!

[Rainbow-Lord Crowmunculus]

HOW DID I MANAGE TO MISS THIS?!?!?!??!?!

ASLDJFLSKJFDLKSJFDLKJF I WILL MAKE A COHERENT REPLY LATER TOO DEADED RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT'S FRIDAY BUT OMG I LOVE YOU (NO SURPRISE, NOTHING NEW, YEAH YEAH <3)

MORE LOVE YET TO COME

[neoeevee]

Puzzle, I don't know how you do it... but this was crack of most glorious calibre! \o/

[PuzzleChick]

='D Thank you, guys!

[piedpiperpluto]

GLORIOUS CRACK~

[maddalena]

I literally have not laughed so hard in a long time. I haven't read this in SO DAMN LONG. BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL CRACK <333